Please accept this my resignation. I have thought
long and hard about everything and burnt the
midnight oil well into the night. What did Bernard
say? 'I've burnt the candle at both ends and still have
the wax on me boots to prove it'.
Who could forget his dynamic pragmatic wit? Even
when the butt of the joke was on me I still smiled
I often sit playing the spoons and reliving those
moments. Like the time he said 'You can tell that
Mr O'Reilly got out of the bed on the wrong side
this morning-he's wearing Mrs Fenton's shoes'
But sometimes in life you meet a man that makes
you see what has always been apparent. A man
that makes you confront the demons within. A
man that makes you look in the mirror and see
what became of the little Irish boy who wanted to
be a Priest or work with sick animals. A man that
can act as the catylist to Christianity.
Bernard Wilson was such a man. If only I hadn't
been so obstinate and just said 'sultana and custard'
But no man is rich enough to buy back his past'
as Oscar Wilde said.
No Brenda I am leaving. I will make my way as an
itinerant washboard and spoon player (selling lucky
heather as a side line). Just me, the runt and the
open road).
Wherever there is an anguished cry of a down
trodden waif, wherever there is the wail of a beaten
child, wherever there is the thin hollow laughter of
a man grown fat on the fraility of others, wherever
a snowflake lands on a teardrop unfallen, I will be
there. And I will be there with the spoons that
George Formby once ate jelly off. And in the name
of Bernard Wilson I will beat spit the tune of the
oppressed. Though it be done through broken
teeth, rotting gums and calloused lips, it will be
done.
PEACE AND LOVE
EAMMON O'REILLY
(EX HOUSING OFFICER)
P.S. Give my 'Hull Kingston Rovers' cup to Fat
Janice on reception. She's always had her eye
on it and there's no tea to be drunk where i'm
going.
Thursday 27 August 2009
Wednesday 26 August 2009
DEAR LACKEYS OF THE CAPITALIST RUNNING DOGS,
HOPE YOU ARE WELL. WE THE UNPOPULAR PEOPLES
FRONT FOR THE LIBERATION OF MONSALL (BUT FUCK
HARPURHEY WHAT THEY EVER DONE FOR US?) SEND
OUR COMMISERATIONS AND CONDOLENCES UPON
THE SAD NEWS OF THE DEATH OF CLASS WARRIOR
AND MAN OF THE PEOPLE BERNARD WILSON.
ME AND THE LADS WERE ALL SAT AROUND OUR
SECRET HIDEOUT (IN A CABIN AT THE BACK OF THE
ASHES CLUB IN MOSTON) LAST NIGHT AND WE ALL
AGREED THAT BERNARD WAS OUR FAVOURITE
KIDNAP (THE WORST WAS THAT AGRAPHOBIAC
FROM HEMDEN VALE. MORE TROUBLE THAN HE WAS
WORTH THAT ONE. LIKE TRYING TO GET A WINKEL OUT
OF HIS SHELL TRYING TO GET HIM OUT OF THAT TRAVEL
TRUNK. HE JUST DIDN'T WANT TO GO HOME. HE
ESCAPED AND CAME BACK THREE TIMES TO MY
KNOWLEDGE).
BUT BERNARD WHAT A GENTLEMAN!!!
WITH MOST KIDNAPPEES YOU HAVE DIFFICULTY IN
MAKING THEM TALK BUT WITH BERNARD WE HAD
DIFFICULTY TRYING TO STOP HIM.
I REMEMBER SAYING
'BERNARD WHAT IS YOUR GRANDMOTHERS
ADDRESS?'
'WILD HORSES WOULDN'T MAKE ME REVEAL THAT'
HE REPLIED.
BUT BEFORE I'D FINISHED SAYING 'TOMMO PUT
THE ELECTRODES ON HIS TESTICLES' HE'D SAID
'14 CLEGHEATON STREET. BACK OF THE BELL
CRESCENT NURSING HOME. SHE'S A SMALL
WOMAN. LIGHT OF FEET AND FINGERS. SHE CAN
BE FOUND MOST AFTERNOONS IN THE GALA
BINGO HALL....CAN I GO NOW?
YES A CARD INDEED!!!!
OUR FUNERAL DEMANDS ARE THREE IN NUMBER
1) 'I WILL NEVER PASS THIS WAY AGAIN' BY
SLIM WHITMAN AS BERNARD'S FUNERAL SONG
2)A FREE BAR AND BUFFET IN THE QUEEN ANNE
3)THE ABOLITION OF BRUSELL SPROUTS
THE RIVERS WILL RUN RED
WITH YOUR BLOOD
US
P.S.....CRY BERNARD FOR BESWICK AND LET
SLIP THE WHIPPETS OF WAR
FRONT FOR THE LIBERATION OF MONSALL (BUT FUCK
HARPURHEY WHAT THEY EVER DONE FOR US?) SEND
OUR COMMISERATIONS AND CONDOLENCES UPON
THE SAD NEWS OF THE DEATH OF CLASS WARRIOR
AND MAN OF THE PEOPLE BERNARD WILSON.
ME AND THE LADS WERE ALL SAT AROUND OUR
SECRET HIDEOUT (IN A CABIN AT THE BACK OF THE
ASHES CLUB IN MOSTON) LAST NIGHT AND WE ALL
AGREED THAT BERNARD WAS OUR FAVOURITE
KIDNAP (THE WORST WAS THAT AGRAPHOBIAC
FROM HEMDEN VALE. MORE TROUBLE THAN HE WAS
WORTH THAT ONE. LIKE TRYING TO GET A WINKEL OUT
OF HIS SHELL TRYING TO GET HIM OUT OF THAT TRAVEL
TRUNK. HE JUST DIDN'T WANT TO GO HOME. HE
ESCAPED AND CAME BACK THREE TIMES TO MY
KNOWLEDGE).
BUT BERNARD WHAT A GENTLEMAN!!!
WITH MOST KIDNAPPEES YOU HAVE DIFFICULTY IN
MAKING THEM TALK BUT WITH BERNARD WE HAD
DIFFICULTY TRYING TO STOP HIM.
I REMEMBER SAYING
'BERNARD WHAT IS YOUR GRANDMOTHERS
ADDRESS?'
'WILD HORSES WOULDN'T MAKE ME REVEAL THAT'
HE REPLIED.
BUT BEFORE I'D FINISHED SAYING 'TOMMO PUT
THE ELECTRODES ON HIS TESTICLES' HE'D SAID
'14 CLEGHEATON STREET. BACK OF THE BELL
CRESCENT NURSING HOME. SHE'S A SMALL
WOMAN. LIGHT OF FEET AND FINGERS. SHE CAN
BE FOUND MOST AFTERNOONS IN THE GALA
BINGO HALL....CAN I GO NOW?
YES A CARD INDEED!!!!
OUR FUNERAL DEMANDS ARE THREE IN NUMBER
1) 'I WILL NEVER PASS THIS WAY AGAIN' BY
SLIM WHITMAN AS BERNARD'S FUNERAL SONG
2)A FREE BAR AND BUFFET IN THE QUEEN ANNE
3)THE ABOLITION OF BRUSELL SPROUTS
THE RIVERS WILL RUN RED
WITH YOUR BLOOD
US
P.S.....CRY BERNARD FOR BESWICK AND LET
SLIP THE WHIPPETS OF WAR
Tuesday 25 August 2009
Dear People,
I write to denounce the false prophet that was
the late Bernard Wilson. He who perished in a
Dublib B&B (£15 a night, £17 with an inside
toilet) fire. I have evidence that he was
embezzling the Beswick branch of the Burning
Branch church out of the meat pie money and
was serving spam on a best ham night to the
pensioners.
There is also the matter of him breaking his
oath of silence whilst a member of the Silent
Brothers of Beswick darts team. I mean we
don't mind the odd word. It was perfectly
reasonable when Odu Mwangabwingi cursed
our lord cos the Columbian all-night-netball
powder deal went down. But to spend £798
on chat lines is just not on.
I know you mealy mouthed liberal bleeding
hearts at the Housing are planning a memorial
of some kind.
I've heard it mooted a statue placed inbetween
Housing and Grey Mare Lane Police Station.
With Bernard giving his famous four fingered
salute in either direction.
But we the God fearing residents of Beswick
will fight.
It's not too late to arm the Neighbourhood
Watch!!!
Let's reclaim the parks and off-licenses. One
drive by shooting of some short skirted
lambrinied up cake faced bimbo should serve
as a shot across the bows.
Beswick is a seething cauldron of unrest, we
are in the white heat of hatred. There is hate
in the hood and blood in the air and despair
in the minute
WRAP UP WARM
ELSIE CARR (Widow but still looking)
P.S. I've poisoned the cheap peaches in
Netto, as we speak half of Hemden Vale
are in a catatonic trance
the late Bernard Wilson. He who perished in a
Dublib B&B (£15 a night, £17 with an inside
toilet) fire. I have evidence that he was
embezzling the Beswick branch of the Burning
Branch church out of the meat pie money and
was serving spam on a best ham night to the
pensioners.
There is also the matter of him breaking his
oath of silence whilst a member of the Silent
Brothers of Beswick darts team. I mean we
don't mind the odd word. It was perfectly
reasonable when Odu Mwangabwingi cursed
our lord cos the Columbian all-night-netball
powder deal went down. But to spend £798
on chat lines is just not on.
I know you mealy mouthed liberal bleeding
hearts at the Housing are planning a memorial
of some kind.
I've heard it mooted a statue placed inbetween
Housing and Grey Mare Lane Police Station.
With Bernard giving his famous four fingered
salute in either direction.
But we the God fearing residents of Beswick
will fight.
It's not too late to arm the Neighbourhood
Watch!!!
Let's reclaim the parks and off-licenses. One
drive by shooting of some short skirted
lambrinied up cake faced bimbo should serve
as a shot across the bows.
Beswick is a seething cauldron of unrest, we
are in the white heat of hatred. There is hate
in the hood and blood in the air and despair
in the minute
WRAP UP WARM
ELSIE CARR (Widow but still looking)
P.S. I've poisoned the cheap peaches in
Netto, as we speak half of Hemden Vale
are in a catatonic trance
Dear Housing,
who will hold me oh so tight?
in the darkest, darkest night?
who will be my candle light?
and guide me through every fight?
now that daddy's gone
who will wipe away my tears?
tell me stories, kill my fears?
watch with love through the years
who will be my eyes and ears?
now that daddy's gone
who will put me down to bed?
and pat my worried little head
who will listen to what i've said?
and not love someone else instead?
now that daddy's gone
YOURS SINCERLY
EVERTON WILSON (AGED 9)
in the darkest, darkest night?
who will be my candle light?
and guide me through every fight?
now that daddy's gone
who will wipe away my tears?
tell me stories, kill my fears?
watch with love through the years
who will be my eyes and ears?
now that daddy's gone
who will put me down to bed?
and pat my worried little head
who will listen to what i've said?
and not love someone else instead?
now that daddy's gone
YOURS SINCERLY
EVERTON WILSON (AGED 9)
Monday 24 August 2009
Dear Yous,
Who will be after paying? Is what
i'll be after wanting to know?
Four nights yer man and his whore's
melt had at my boarding house (£15
a night. £17 inside toilet, No Tinkers)
And him with his pack of dogeens
wailing like Banshees half the night
(Jasus, Mary and Joseph' I said to
himself 'would you but listen to it?'
And didn't yer man tell me he was an
English 'lucky heather' salesman?
An Phoblact Abu
Katleen MacDermaid
P.S. you'll be hearing from Big Pat
so you will.
i'll be after wanting to know?
Four nights yer man and his whore's
melt had at my boarding house (£15
a night. £17 inside toilet, No Tinkers)
And him with his pack of dogeens
wailing like Banshees half the night
(Jasus, Mary and Joseph' I said to
himself 'would you but listen to it?'
And didn't yer man tell me he was an
English 'lucky heather' salesman?
An Phoblact Abu
Katleen MacDermaid
P.S. you'll be hearing from Big Pat
so you will.
Sunday 23 August 2009
BERNARD WILSON THE AFTERMATH......
this is a series of about six letters......thanks for bearing with me
Thursday 20 August 2009
Dear All,
It is with great sadness and unabiding sorrow that I must
tell you of the demise of my husband the late great Bernard
Pandit Wilson. Who was tragically burnt to death in a Dublin
flop house (£15 a night, £17 inside toilet) fire.
Burned so badly that only his grieving mother could recognise
him (who could forget the harrowing moment that she stared
at his charred remains and said 'yep that's the little Asian get'
Why? oh why? oh why O'reilly?
The tragedy of it all, a fallen jostick catching the hem of his
kafkhan. The finest man i ever met snatched from me like a
pregnant woman's handbag on Conran Street market.
Oh why? (keep an eye on Mr O'Reilly....you know what them
Paddies are like)
What have i got to remember him by? Apart from eleven
whippets, seven children, five pups, one runt and a guitar with
'I'll get even with you Bert Weedon' scratched on it.
Do you know what it's like? The lonely bitter nights that I
stare at an empty chair that was once filled with laughter. The
bare swinging lightbulb casting shadows over objects that he
once held and cherished. An array of empty bottles lying empty
and finished in the corner. But they can't mask my hurt or avert
my agony. The memories of nights and double giro's ringing
in my ears. Taunting me, taunting me, taunting me.
How do I carry on when a mere tot says 'Where's Daddy?'
And I have to look little Everton in the face and say 'With Jesus'
The loneliness of holding a pillow and pretending it's him. Of
talking to a picture on the wall. Of reliving favourite moments
over and over and over again. Of a searing pain that knows of
no respite and torments and tortures your soul. That eats away
at the very fabric of your existence. Till you've forgot how to
wash, how to clean, how to laugh talk and think. Till you can't
walk to the shops or feed yourself and you're left face turned
to the wall crying.
Then you look at the tablets. Yes those tablets. His tablets. And
you count them like a kid counting smarties. And you look out
at the dark uncompromising night. The night that knows no end.
Knows no relief. Knows no sanctuary.
And it's then. Yes! Yes! Yes! It's then that you know you must
do what you must do.
But hey enough about me.....how's everybody there?
LOVE AND PEACE
DENISE WILSON (NEE TREMBLER)
tell you of the demise of my husband the late great Bernard
Pandit Wilson. Who was tragically burnt to death in a Dublin
flop house (£15 a night, £17 inside toilet) fire.
Burned so badly that only his grieving mother could recognise
him (who could forget the harrowing moment that she stared
at his charred remains and said 'yep that's the little Asian get'
Why? oh why? oh why O'reilly?
The tragedy of it all, a fallen jostick catching the hem of his
kafkhan. The finest man i ever met snatched from me like a
pregnant woman's handbag on Conran Street market.
Oh why? (keep an eye on Mr O'Reilly....you know what them
Paddies are like)
What have i got to remember him by? Apart from eleven
whippets, seven children, five pups, one runt and a guitar with
'I'll get even with you Bert Weedon' scratched on it.
Do you know what it's like? The lonely bitter nights that I
stare at an empty chair that was once filled with laughter. The
bare swinging lightbulb casting shadows over objects that he
once held and cherished. An array of empty bottles lying empty
and finished in the corner. But they can't mask my hurt or avert
my agony. The memories of nights and double giro's ringing
in my ears. Taunting me, taunting me, taunting me.
How do I carry on when a mere tot says 'Where's Daddy?'
And I have to look little Everton in the face and say 'With Jesus'
The loneliness of holding a pillow and pretending it's him. Of
talking to a picture on the wall. Of reliving favourite moments
over and over and over again. Of a searing pain that knows of
no respite and torments and tortures your soul. That eats away
at the very fabric of your existence. Till you've forgot how to
wash, how to clean, how to laugh talk and think. Till you can't
walk to the shops or feed yourself and you're left face turned
to the wall crying.
Then you look at the tablets. Yes those tablets. His tablets. And
you count them like a kid counting smarties. And you look out
at the dark uncompromising night. The night that knows no end.
Knows no relief. Knows no sanctuary.
And it's then. Yes! Yes! Yes! It's then that you know you must
do what you must do.
But hey enough about me.....how's everybody there?
LOVE AND PEACE
DENISE WILSON (NEE TREMBLER)
Wednesday 19 August 2009
Dear Mrs Fenton (or dare I say Brenda),
I'm not going to beat about the bush (actually i prefer
smoking it). I've got to put my true feelings on the
table. It's not been an easy week, last Sunday I
dropped me ganja tin in the buscuit barrell (face down)
and i've spent the last three days smoking ginger snaps.
I nearly O'D'd on a jammy dodger.
Picture with me, if you will, my prostrate body lying by
the cat flap. My head in the dogs bowl trying vainly to
either drink it or drown in it.
I went down for the third time and my whole life
flashed before my eyes and i decided you were the for
me. I know i've done more ballooning
than Richard Branson but that's all behind me now.
Give me one last chance!!!
I remember the first time we gazed across a housing
desk at each other, there was a complete fusion of
souls, linking of hearts and meeting of minds.
The sort of moment that great poets write poems about,
great artists paint about and great muscians play the
ukelele about. I never did write back and thank you for
cleaning my gutters. But since then i've known it could
only ever be you for me. On the windscreen of the car
that is my heart, on each side of the fluffy dice it reads
'BERNARD and MRS FENTON'.
Make a man of me. I will run through your hair barefoot
(Tuesday is best that is bath night).
I know I am married to Denise but it is a sham and a
lie. We've had words (when i could get one in edgeways)
I wear the trousers in our marriage (well apart from a
bit of cross dressing) and Denny has agreed to a Druids
divorce, which is slightly different from a Church of
England divorce (I have to amputate my left gonad with
a blunt butchers knife, take it to Stonehenge, and grill it
in virgins blood on soltice eve, before eating it.....a bit like
a bush tucker trial).
But it's all worthwhile for you.
It will be tough at first, just you and me (and the eleven
whippets, seven kids, five pups and a runt) but as soon
as i've finished my MANCAT course in Aggresive Begging
then the Earth is ours.
Brenda let me take you into my garden and show YOU to
my roses (as Brinsley Sheridan once so beautifully said).
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. My heart is forever the prisoner of Brenda
smoking it). I've got to put my true feelings on the
table. It's not been an easy week, last Sunday I
dropped me ganja tin in the buscuit barrell (face down)
and i've spent the last three days smoking ginger snaps.
I nearly O'D'd on a jammy dodger.
Picture with me, if you will, my prostrate body lying by
the cat flap. My head in the dogs bowl trying vainly to
either drink it or drown in it.
I went down for the third time and my whole life
flashed before my eyes and i decided you were the for
me. I know i've done more ballooning
than Richard Branson but that's all behind me now.
Give me one last chance!!!
I remember the first time we gazed across a housing
desk at each other, there was a complete fusion of
souls, linking of hearts and meeting of minds.
The sort of moment that great poets write poems about,
great artists paint about and great muscians play the
ukelele about. I never did write back and thank you for
cleaning my gutters. But since then i've known it could
only ever be you for me. On the windscreen of the car
that is my heart, on each side of the fluffy dice it reads
'BERNARD and MRS FENTON'.
Make a man of me. I will run through your hair barefoot
(Tuesday is best that is bath night).
I know I am married to Denise but it is a sham and a
lie. We've had words (when i could get one in edgeways)
I wear the trousers in our marriage (well apart from a
bit of cross dressing) and Denny has agreed to a Druids
divorce, which is slightly different from a Church of
England divorce (I have to amputate my left gonad with
a blunt butchers knife, take it to Stonehenge, and grill it
in virgins blood on soltice eve, before eating it.....a bit like
a bush tucker trial).
But it's all worthwhile for you.
It will be tough at first, just you and me (and the eleven
whippets, seven kids, five pups and a runt) but as soon
as i've finished my MANCAT course in Aggresive Begging
then the Earth is ours.
Brenda let me take you into my garden and show YOU to
my roses (as Brinsley Sheridan once so beautifully said).
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. My heart is forever the prisoner of Brenda
Tuesday 18 August 2009
Dear Mr O'Reilly,
Please withdraw my entry for the
'Hanging Gardens Of Beswick'
competition.
The Police raided me on Monday
night and me entry is now 'exhibit A'
in the Crown v Wilson.
Shame!!! I had my heart set on that
rosette.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
'Hanging Gardens Of Beswick'
competition.
The Police raided me on Monday
night and me entry is now 'exhibit A'
in the Crown v Wilson.
Shame!!! I had my heart set on that
rosette.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
Dear All,
They can't hang you for a spelling mistake.
Not true!!! My Great Uncle Wesley Wilson was
hung because of one.
There he was in the condemned cell at
Strangeways when the telegram to commute
the hanging came through.
Trouble was whoever typed it at the home
office had made a mistake. Instead of
'execution cancelled' it read 'execution candelled'.
And as a consequence he had a magnificent
candle lit send off. It was like Liberace's bedroom
during a half price rent boy night.
Even Albert Pierpoint had a tear in his eye.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
Not true!!! My Great Uncle Wesley Wilson was
hung because of one.
There he was in the condemned cell at
Strangeways when the telegram to commute
the hanging came through.
Trouble was whoever typed it at the home
office had made a mistake. Instead of
'execution cancelled' it read 'execution candelled'.
And as a consequence he had a magnificent
candle lit send off. It was like Liberace's bedroom
during a half price rent boy night.
Even Albert Pierpoint had a tear in his eye.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
Monday 17 August 2009
Dear Mrs Fenton,
I'm suing that hypnotist. Ever since me and
Denise went to see him in the Queen Anne at
the 'Gala Night of Stars' (featuring the Nolan
Sisters minus the famous one and Little and
Large) I have been addicted to guerkins.
I bet I am the only man in Beswick who throws
away the bun and burger and eats the bloody
guerkin!!!
And another thing, everytime i hear the word
'hello' i have this overwhelming urge to bark
and growl like a dog.
Please explain to fat Janice on reception
that it wasn't a nuisance caller on the phone,
it was me. And can you ask her to say 'hi
Beswick housing' next time she answers it?.
I've barked and growled meself hoarse.
The worst thing is that once i start howling
then the eleven whippets, seven kids and five
pups all join in.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
Denise went to see him in the Queen Anne at
the 'Gala Night of Stars' (featuring the Nolan
Sisters minus the famous one and Little and
Large) I have been addicted to guerkins.
I bet I am the only man in Beswick who throws
away the bun and burger and eats the bloody
guerkin!!!
And another thing, everytime i hear the word
'hello' i have this overwhelming urge to bark
and growl like a dog.
Please explain to fat Janice on reception
that it wasn't a nuisance caller on the phone,
it was me. And can you ask her to say 'hi
Beswick housing' next time she answers it?.
I've barked and growled meself hoarse.
The worst thing is that once i start howling
then the eleven whippets, seven kids and five
pups all join in.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
Dear All,
Dib dob, dib dob.
This winter on Beswick Common we are
pitching marquees and having a disco
on the feast of the rancid goat.
This is to be a Shakespearean themed
fun day and we are calling it 'The Winter
Of Our Disco Tents'.
So don those shorts, wave those woggles
and gin-gan-get yerself down there on the
day!!!
Old campers never die they just peg out.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
This winter on Beswick Common we are
pitching marquees and having a disco
on the feast of the rancid goat.
This is to be a Shakespearean themed
fun day and we are calling it 'The Winter
Of Our Disco Tents'.
So don those shorts, wave those woggles
and gin-gan-get yerself down there on the
day!!!
Old campers never die they just peg out.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
Saturday 15 August 2009
Dear All,
My grandad was a station master for British Rail
and also a part time inventer. At night he'd sit
there getting ideas above his station.
And i'm no different i've written to Dragon's Den
with my latest invention.
It's a machine for taking kidney beans out of
pre-packaged chilli products.
Without giving too much away it's a collender on
a wire worked by a pulley and ratchet device with
a four cylinder enclave valve operating a guilotone
and sleuce system.
The man at the Patents Office said he'd never seen
it's like before. Then he went all sarky and asked
could i invent something to stop the whippets
pissing on the 'What to Do in Manchester'
information rack.
I'm after 90k for 12% equity.
Fingers crossed and we'll eat cake on this one
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
and also a part time inventer. At night he'd sit
there getting ideas above his station.
And i'm no different i've written to Dragon's Den
with my latest invention.
It's a machine for taking kidney beans out of
pre-packaged chilli products.
Without giving too much away it's a collender on
a wire worked by a pulley and ratchet device with
a four cylinder enclave valve operating a guilotone
and sleuce system.
The man at the Patents Office said he'd never seen
it's like before. Then he went all sarky and asked
could i invent something to stop the whippets
pissing on the 'What to Do in Manchester'
information rack.
I'm after 90k for 12% equity.
Fingers crossed and we'll eat cake on this one
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
Friday 14 August 2009
Dear All,
just a short note to let you know i will
not be available on Wednesday
afternoons.
No! I will be in the park jacking off
Yes! The bowls season has started.
And this season I will be giving the
cricket a wide berth.
I've still not lived down last years
faux-pas. No indeed.
There I was on the balconey in the
members pavillion when the captain of
the Beswick X1 said 'You're in eight'
I thought he said 'Urinate' and the
rest as they say is history or
'Golden Showers Stops Play' as the
Advertiser waxed.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
not be available on Wednesday
afternoons.
No! I will be in the park jacking off
Yes! The bowls season has started.
And this season I will be giving the
cricket a wide berth.
I've still not lived down last years
faux-pas. No indeed.
There I was on the balconey in the
members pavillion when the captain of
the Beswick X1 said 'You're in eight'
I thought he said 'Urinate' and the
rest as they say is history or
'Golden Showers Stops Play' as the
Advertiser waxed.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
Thursday 13 August 2009
Dear Mr O'Reilly,
Who are the silent majority?
And how do they communicate?
If these people are making signs
about me behind my back or
doing some kind of risque mime
implying things about me, then I
for one would like to know about
it.
Let's sort these smug bastards
out for once and for all
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
And how do they communicate?
If these people are making signs
about me behind my back or
doing some kind of risque mime
implying things about me, then I
for one would like to know about
it.
Let's sort these smug bastards
out for once and for all
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
Dear Mrs Fenton,
What's up with these Asians of late?
Everytime you see them nowadays
they are in a right paddy (no offence
Mr O'Reilly).
At one time they were all happy watching
Kabadi on Eurosport but nowadays nothing
but bombings and a man with a hook for
a hand (very useful if you drop your keys
down a grid).
Me and Denise turned the telly on last
Wednesday and it was that Ken Bigley
thing again.
The first time I seen Ken in that blindfold
surrounded by Asians I shouted to Denise
'Aye up Denny, them Asians have come up
with a follow up to Kabadi.....I think it's some
kind of Asian blindman's bluff'.
Anyway could you send round a surveyor for
the drains. There's a terrible smell in the
house. It's driving me, denise, the eleven
whippets, five pups an seven kids potty
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
Everytime you see them nowadays
they are in a right paddy (no offence
Mr O'Reilly).
At one time they were all happy watching
Kabadi on Eurosport but nowadays nothing
but bombings and a man with a hook for
a hand (very useful if you drop your keys
down a grid).
Me and Denise turned the telly on last
Wednesday and it was that Ken Bigley
thing again.
The first time I seen Ken in that blindfold
surrounded by Asians I shouted to Denise
'Aye up Denny, them Asians have come up
with a follow up to Kabadi.....I think it's some
kind of Asian blindman's bluff'.
Anyway could you send round a surveyor for
the drains. There's a terrible smell in the
house. It's driving me, denise, the eleven
whippets, five pups an seven kids potty
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
Wednesday 12 August 2009
Dear Mr O'Reilly,
A nod is as good as a wink to a blind
horse. So between me, you and the gate
post (which incidently could do with a
lick of paint), I have a contact at the
T.V. licensing centre.
The month before the detector vans hit
Beswick he sends me a letter warning us.
So all the next month me and Denise keep
the door locked incase they knock.
Anyway let me know your address and i'll
see about getting you the same
arrangement
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. Why are all dog licenses the same
price?...surely if you keep a back n white
dog that license should be cheaper?
horse. So between me, you and the gate
post (which incidently could do with a
lick of paint), I have a contact at the
T.V. licensing centre.
The month before the detector vans hit
Beswick he sends me a letter warning us.
So all the next month me and Denise keep
the door locked incase they knock.
Anyway let me know your address and i'll
see about getting you the same
arrangement
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. Why are all dog licenses the same
price?...surely if you keep a back n white
dog that license should be cheaper?
Dear Mr O'Reilly,
I put pen to paper to avail you of Denise's
latest venture, Clonic Irrigation. Yes!!!
Clonic Irrigation. She used to work for
Dynarod so it's in her blood.
I gave her my plastic pipe from the old home
brew days and it brought tears to her eyes.
Her lips quivered and her knees trembled and
then she told me of the time as a Girl-Guide
on bob-a-job week.
She was washing cars with a hosepipe and shammy
and the driver of a punto took advantage of her
behind the bin shed over the pots of bergonia's.
She says it was the first time she attained orgasm
(which could account for the purchase of the new
waterbed).
Still that's all water under the bridge now!!!
So Mr O'Reilly if you need raking out then pipe
up for Clonic Irrigation
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
latest venture, Clonic Irrigation. Yes!!!
Clonic Irrigation. She used to work for
Dynarod so it's in her blood.
I gave her my plastic pipe from the old home
brew days and it brought tears to her eyes.
Her lips quivered and her knees trembled and
then she told me of the time as a Girl-Guide
on bob-a-job week.
She was washing cars with a hosepipe and shammy
and the driver of a punto took advantage of her
behind the bin shed over the pots of bergonia's.
She says it was the first time she attained orgasm
(which could account for the purchase of the new
waterbed).
Still that's all water under the bridge now!!!
So Mr O'Reilly if you need raking out then pipe
up for Clonic Irrigation
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
Tuesday 11 August 2009
Dear all,
just a note to say i'm back from
a conference of world religeous
leaders in Accrington. They were
all there Billy Graham, the Dali
Llama (God he can shift a bit of ale)
Rabi Goldberg, The Pope (never
knew he was a catholic, he don't
even look Irish) and Ian Paisley.
On the final night we had a fancy
dress ball and I went as the singing
nun and came second. Rabi Goldberg
stole it with his Adolf Hitler routine 'ein
volk, ein reich ein give me the
moonlight'. Ian Paisley was third with
his Joseph Locke impersonation
'I'll build a bonfire of your troubles
and watch them blaze away', it even
had the Methodists clapping along
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
a conference of world religeous
leaders in Accrington. They were
all there Billy Graham, the Dali
Llama (God he can shift a bit of ale)
Rabi Goldberg, The Pope (never
knew he was a catholic, he don't
even look Irish) and Ian Paisley.
On the final night we had a fancy
dress ball and I went as the singing
nun and came second. Rabi Goldberg
stole it with his Adolf Hitler routine 'ein
volk, ein reich ein give me the
moonlight'. Ian Paisley was third with
his Joseph Locke impersonation
'I'll build a bonfire of your troubles
and watch them blaze away', it even
had the Methodists clapping along
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
Monday 10 August 2009
Dear All,
I feel after disscussion with my
therapist that I must tell you of my
tortured upbringing. At the hospital
where I was born another baby was
born only minutes before and my
Mother became convinced that me
and the other baby had been
swapped.
It became like an obsession with her.
She haunted the other women with
letters, phone-calls, threats and
malicious rumours about her and
the milkman. She even attempted to
kidnap the other child.
Finally Mrs Patel got an injunction
out against her.
But Mam or 'Mrs Wilson' as she made
me call her never took to me.
Even though i have got ginger hair
she used to say to my brothers
'What you playing with that Asian kid
for?'
But through therapy I have finally
come to terms with my past.
And I am a better person for it.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
therapist that I must tell you of my
tortured upbringing. At the hospital
where I was born another baby was
born only minutes before and my
Mother became convinced that me
and the other baby had been
swapped.
It became like an obsession with her.
She haunted the other women with
letters, phone-calls, threats and
malicious rumours about her and
the milkman. She even attempted to
kidnap the other child.
Finally Mrs Patel got an injunction
out against her.
But Mam or 'Mrs Wilson' as she made
me call her never took to me.
Even though i have got ginger hair
she used to say to my brothers
'What you playing with that Asian kid
for?'
But through therapy I have finally
come to terms with my past.
And I am a better person for it.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
Dear All,
sorry i haven't written that much of
late but i have been very busy.
I decided that my message is universal
and in the words of the Gospel according
to Saint Matthew I must 'speak in
tongues'. So I sent for some Linguaphone
records.
'Send no money now' said the advert
(the word now was a bit of a waste).
I wonder if the Disciples had the same
problems that i am encountering?
I mean I can order a cup of coffee in
Urdu but nowhere can I find the words
to warn people about the firey furnaces
of hell.
There was I on a podium in Rhyll shopping
mall armed with a copy of Clydd Cymru
thinking I was yelling 'Repent ye the
Kingdom of Heaven is at hand' and all the
time I was shouting 'is this an all night
launderette?'.
No converts but a two bag wash for the
price of one and a car sticker.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. Tell Mr O'Reilly that I will be
ordering my repairs in Cantonese
here on in.
late but i have been very busy.
I decided that my message is universal
and in the words of the Gospel according
to Saint Matthew I must 'speak in
tongues'. So I sent for some Linguaphone
records.
'Send no money now' said the advert
(the word now was a bit of a waste).
I wonder if the Disciples had the same
problems that i am encountering?
I mean I can order a cup of coffee in
Urdu but nowhere can I find the words
to warn people about the firey furnaces
of hell.
There was I on a podium in Rhyll shopping
mall armed with a copy of Clydd Cymru
thinking I was yelling 'Repent ye the
Kingdom of Heaven is at hand' and all the
time I was shouting 'is this an all night
launderette?'.
No converts but a two bag wash for the
price of one and a car sticker.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. Tell Mr O'Reilly that I will be
ordering my repairs in Cantonese
here on in.
Saturday 8 August 2009
Dear All,
I have just visited Gypsy Rose Kyle on
Blackpool Golden Mile and she read me palm
(she's done all the top stars Norman Vaughn,
Freddie Garrity, Ralph Milne....you name
'em she's done 'em).
And apparently I am to father a love child to
a Housing Team Leader, have a singing
carear culminating in a gay affair with Syd
Little and have a minor operation on my
left knee.
'Good heavens' i said 'Will i still be able to
do Knees Up Mother Brown at Butlins?
Thankfully yes.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. Gypsy Rose said that i would be
offered a job in the third world.
'Oh' i said 'that'll be in the cake shop
on Beswick precinct'.
Blackpool Golden Mile and she read me palm
(she's done all the top stars Norman Vaughn,
Freddie Garrity, Ralph Milne....you name
'em she's done 'em).
And apparently I am to father a love child to
a Housing Team Leader, have a singing
carear culminating in a gay affair with Syd
Little and have a minor operation on my
left knee.
'Good heavens' i said 'Will i still be able to
do Knees Up Mother Brown at Butlins?
Thankfully yes.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. Gypsy Rose said that i would be
offered a job in the third world.
'Oh' i said 'that'll be in the cake shop
on Beswick precinct'.
DEAR HOUSING DEPARTMENT,
WE THE UNPOPULAR FRONT FOR THE LIBERTION OF
MONSALL BUT FUCK HARPURHEY WHAT HAVE THEY
EVER DONE FOR US, HAVE YOUR BERNARD WILSON.
THE PROMISE OF A GOOD WEED AND FOUR CANS
OF STELLA LURED HIM TO OUR SECRET HIDEOUT
ON TOP OF 'TAN AN TONE' ON QUEENS ROAD.
FOR THE SAFE RETURN OF THE ENDEARING
LOVEABLE RUNNING DOG OF THE CAPITALISTIC
PARASYTIC MAGGOTS THAT FEED ON THE ROTTING
UNDER BELLY OF A DECAYING SOCIETY OUR
DEMANDS MUST BE MET.
THEY ARE THREE IN NUMBER.
1) THE ABOLITION OF BRUSELL SPROUTS
2) A CASE OF WHITE LIGHTENING AND A SLEAVE
OF SUPERKINGS
3) THE RECLASSIFICATION OF MY COUSIN ROY
AS A POLITICAL PRISONER (he did rob the
Conservative club after all).
ALL POWER FROM THE
BARRELL OF A GUN
US
MONSALL BUT FUCK HARPURHEY WHAT HAVE THEY
EVER DONE FOR US, HAVE YOUR BERNARD WILSON.
THE PROMISE OF A GOOD WEED AND FOUR CANS
OF STELLA LURED HIM TO OUR SECRET HIDEOUT
ON TOP OF 'TAN AN TONE' ON QUEENS ROAD.
FOR THE SAFE RETURN OF THE ENDEARING
LOVEABLE RUNNING DOG OF THE CAPITALISTIC
PARASYTIC MAGGOTS THAT FEED ON THE ROTTING
UNDER BELLY OF A DECAYING SOCIETY OUR
DEMANDS MUST BE MET.
THEY ARE THREE IN NUMBER.
1) THE ABOLITION OF BRUSELL SPROUTS
2) A CASE OF WHITE LIGHTENING AND A SLEAVE
OF SUPERKINGS
3) THE RECLASSIFICATION OF MY COUSIN ROY
AS A POLITICAL PRISONER (he did rob the
Conservative club after all).
ALL POWER FROM THE
BARRELL OF A GUN
US
Friday 7 August 2009
Dear Mr O'Reilly,
I seen the Bachelors on tele last night and
I shouted Denise in.
'Denny' i said 'i bet Mr O'Reilly and his little
colleen are jigging round his living room
watching this....i bet he's waving his
shelaighlee about and singing 'Oh Danny
Boy'. I bet your mam's best spoons (that
George Formby ate jelly off) are going
forty to the dozen....too be sure'
We didn't half laugh till Denise told me
about the time her Uncle Bob told her to
play hide n seek and then he raped her
in the coal shed. Still what's been done
has been done.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. If that thieving low life Bert Weedon
hadn't have nailed me hat on with that
iffy guitar i'd have strummed along
meself. I'll tell you Mr O'Reilly his initials
may be BW but come the glorious day he
gets his.
I shouted Denise in.
'Denny' i said 'i bet Mr O'Reilly and his little
colleen are jigging round his living room
watching this....i bet he's waving his
shelaighlee about and singing 'Oh Danny
Boy'. I bet your mam's best spoons (that
George Formby ate jelly off) are going
forty to the dozen....too be sure'
We didn't half laugh till Denise told me
about the time her Uncle Bob told her to
play hide n seek and then he raped her
in the coal shed. Still what's been done
has been done.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. If that thieving low life Bert Weedon
hadn't have nailed me hat on with that
iffy guitar i'd have strummed along
meself. I'll tell you Mr O'Reilly his initials
may be BW but come the glorious day he
gets his.
Thursday 6 August 2009
Dear Mrs Fenton,
Firstly I thought you looked very becoming at the
Housing open day last Sunday.
That purple shell suit was you.
But what i write about is whales! Yes that's right
whales. I was watching you running the tombolla
stand and i got to thinking about whales. There's
a school of thought that believes that the most
intelligent life forms on Earth are whales and
dolphins. Well i for one don't subscribe to that
view. Okay whales can converse across oceans
but so can a man if he's got credit on his mobile
phone..
And dolphins can jump through hoops (Denise
has me doing that regular if i want my Friday
night frollic).
Bless she's sitting across from me as i type,
cigarette in her mouth, blowing smoke and
staring aimlessly at the wall (she should get a
job at Jodrell bank, they'd pay her for staring
into space).
But my point is that even Denise is cleverer
than any whale, dolphin or fish. Let's face it
at least Denise can use a tin opener.
No Mrs Fenton anyone that thinks Friday's
tea has more brains than the species that
invented everything from cats eyes to the
electric toaster is bloody potty
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. Possibly a little less foundation and
show a little more cleaveage
Housing open day last Sunday.
That purple shell suit was you.
But what i write about is whales! Yes that's right
whales. I was watching you running the tombolla
stand and i got to thinking about whales. There's
a school of thought that believes that the most
intelligent life forms on Earth are whales and
dolphins. Well i for one don't subscribe to that
view. Okay whales can converse across oceans
but so can a man if he's got credit on his mobile
phone..
And dolphins can jump through hoops (Denise
has me doing that regular if i want my Friday
night frollic).
Bless she's sitting across from me as i type,
cigarette in her mouth, blowing smoke and
staring aimlessly at the wall (she should get a
job at Jodrell bank, they'd pay her for staring
into space).
But my point is that even Denise is cleverer
than any whale, dolphin or fish. Let's face it
at least Denise can use a tin opener.
No Mrs Fenton anyone that thinks Friday's
tea has more brains than the species that
invented everything from cats eyes to the
electric toaster is bloody potty
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. Possibly a little less foundation and
show a little more cleaveage
Wednesday 5 August 2009
Dear Mrs Fenton,
I was in Beswick library availing myself of the new
housing plans regarding the refurbishment's due
to take place on our properties.
It would be simpler to forward these plans direct
to my house as only me and a cashiered surveyor
called McMullen ever read them (he's just done
three years for raping a Site Agent with a
theodalite)
And I noticed contained within these plans the
idea of replacing of all rear windows with French
windows.
NO Mrs Fenton!
My Grandfather spent four years in a French
prisoner of war camp (though Nana said it was
a brothel in Burlogyne). And as a practical
joke he sent a picture home of himself with his
left leg taped up his back and wrote that he'd
lost the leg parachuting out of a plane that had
bought one over Calais.
Nana believed every word of it, but the joke
was on Grandad, when he got home she'd
cut all the left legs off all his trousers.
But French windows?
Never I wont even let Denise wear French
knickers.
They are a nation of perverts. Take Maurice
Chevalier 'Thank Heaven For Little Girls', is
he on a register? he bloody well ought to be.
And Frogs and snails! They eat anything
that moves, crawls, laughs or sings. One of
their resteraunts must be like gardening
hour at a backward school
Think on.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
housing plans regarding the refurbishment's due
to take place on our properties.
It would be simpler to forward these plans direct
to my house as only me and a cashiered surveyor
called McMullen ever read them (he's just done
three years for raping a Site Agent with a
theodalite)
And I noticed contained within these plans the
idea of replacing of all rear windows with French
windows.
NO Mrs Fenton!
My Grandfather spent four years in a French
prisoner of war camp (though Nana said it was
a brothel in Burlogyne). And as a practical
joke he sent a picture home of himself with his
left leg taped up his back and wrote that he'd
lost the leg parachuting out of a plane that had
bought one over Calais.
Nana believed every word of it, but the joke
was on Grandad, when he got home she'd
cut all the left legs off all his trousers.
But French windows?
Never I wont even let Denise wear French
knickers.
They are a nation of perverts. Take Maurice
Chevalier 'Thank Heaven For Little Girls', is
he on a register? he bloody well ought to be.
And Frogs and snails! They eat anything
that moves, crawls, laughs or sings. One of
their resteraunts must be like gardening
hour at a backward school
Think on.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
Dear All,
I am now fully trained in the ancient martial
art of Tzu Kuwi. I can kill a man in four
seconds using only my bare hands. I have
sworn only to use my gift in certain
circumstances (these are three in number),
one in the defence of mankind, two the relief
of oppression and three if anybody turns
their back on me.
My teacher is the legendary Piang Kiang
Chiang (apparently his mother called him
after a load of knives falling off a table).
I travel everywhere by Yak always making
sure that i follow the old Tibetan tradition of
Vrishnu Kamran and eat before the Yak.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. Vrishnu Kamran means 'Sod you
Yak i'm alright'
art of Tzu Kuwi. I can kill a man in four
seconds using only my bare hands. I have
sworn only to use my gift in certain
circumstances (these are three in number),
one in the defence of mankind, two the relief
of oppression and three if anybody turns
their back on me.
My teacher is the legendary Piang Kiang
Chiang (apparently his mother called him
after a load of knives falling off a table).
I travel everywhere by Yak always making
sure that i follow the old Tibetan tradition of
Vrishnu Kamran and eat before the Yak.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. Vrishnu Kamran means 'Sod you
Yak i'm alright'
Tuesday 4 August 2009
Dear All,
Many apolgies for not writting much of late.
But I am at present recovering from a nasty
head injury.
Let me tell you it's the last time I do my
shoe laces up in a revolving door.
I was wondering would Mr O'Reilly lend me
nine pound?
I'll give him my guitar as collateral?
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. If Denise rings up tell Mr O'Relly not
to mention the nine quid. Better safe than
sorry
But I am at present recovering from a nasty
head injury.
Let me tell you it's the last time I do my
shoe laces up in a revolving door.
I was wondering would Mr O'Reilly lend me
nine pound?
I'll give him my guitar as collateral?
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. If Denise rings up tell Mr O'Relly not
to mention the nine quid. Better safe than
sorry
Monday 3 August 2009
Dear All,
As you can see by the postmark I am down South.
Yes I am in Hatings-On-Sea and I am here to fight
my legal case against the publishing company
that produces the book 'Play The Guitar in 5 Minutes'
by Bert Weedon.
What utter nonsense I gave it 13 minutes and at the
end I couldn't even do 'The Streets of London' or
'Have You got A Light Boy' by the Singing Postman.
I'll tell you that Bert Weedon must have been on a
weed. I mean I invested £3.99 in good faith. I was
expecting to be busking outside your offices the
same afternoon.
Let me tell you i have the finest minds that the legal
aid has got working for me. Yes the legendary
Barnum of the Bailey is my learned council and my
team of brief's are Pratt, Pratt, Pratt and Clifford
(I am represented by Mr Clifford- he is the biggest
pratt of them all)
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. I have two ideas what to do with my guitar,
one cut off the strings and use it as a frying pan or
two sell it Mr O'Reilly for his jigging.
As you can see by the postmark I am down South.
Yes I am in Hatings-On-Sea and I am here to fight
my legal case against the publishing company
that produces the book 'Play The Guitar in 5 Minutes'
by Bert Weedon.
What utter nonsense I gave it 13 minutes and at the
end I couldn't even do 'The Streets of London' or
'Have You got A Light Boy' by the Singing Postman.
I'll tell you that Bert Weedon must have been on a
weed. I mean I invested £3.99 in good faith. I was
expecting to be busking outside your offices the
same afternoon.
Let me tell you i have the finest minds that the legal
aid has got working for me. Yes the legendary
Barnum of the Bailey is my learned council and my
team of brief's are Pratt, Pratt, Pratt and Clifford
(I am represented by Mr Clifford- he is the biggest
pratt of them all)
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. I have two ideas what to do with my guitar,
one cut off the strings and use it as a frying pan or
two sell it Mr O'Reilly for his jigging.
Dr Mr O'Reilly,
A bit of insider information needed to help
me and Denise if you would please.
Lucky Heather? How do you tinkers know
which heather is lucky and which isn't?
And what is the legal position for suing the
Diddicoy that sold you the heather if the
heather proves to be unlucky?
And is there a time limit on when the luck
must happen in relation to the heather
purchased?
I realise this is a legal minefield an that
you paddy's can be very funny about
your culture but a little bit of advice
would be appreciated.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. Last time me and Denise were in
Belfast we took part in a charity race
for the Irk Ramblers Association.
Imagine the reaction we got on the
Shankhill Road with our 'Support the
IRA' T-Shirts
me and Denise if you would please.
Lucky Heather? How do you tinkers know
which heather is lucky and which isn't?
And what is the legal position for suing the
Diddicoy that sold you the heather if the
heather proves to be unlucky?
And is there a time limit on when the luck
must happen in relation to the heather
purchased?
I realise this is a legal minefield an that
you paddy's can be very funny about
your culture but a little bit of advice
would be appreciated.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. Last time me and Denise were in
Belfast we took part in a charity race
for the Irk Ramblers Association.
Imagine the reaction we got on the
Shankhill Road with our 'Support the
IRA' T-Shirts
Sunday 2 August 2009
Dear All,
Again I return to the area with my tail between
my legs. I have just been sacked as novelty
harmonica player in Billy Smart's circus. Okay
I had to play my H whilst being chased by
Charlie the Clown with a bucket full of custard,
but I don't mind suffering for my art.
Anyway two week into the tour and I am
understudying Bobo the high wire roller skating
dog (god that dog was a tempremental artiste).
And on the Tuesday Bobo is 100 ft above
Towyn pier when a wheel came off a hind leg
skate.
Picture the poor mutt hanging grimly onto the
high wire by his teeth, a stifled growl in his
tortured throat, his paws moving and clawing
frantically in the cold Towyn night air.
Then 'berfuckingclang' he plummeted to Earth
like a vase dropped off a verandah.
His fall luckily being halted by him landing on
the drunken knife throwers sequined assistant
Sheila Grimes and puncturing her left lung.
This catapulted me to the top of the bill (oh the
jealousy- the memory man pretended he'd
forgotten my name).
So as a result i started attracting the attention
of the women folk. And to be honest i was
missing the company of a woman and a good
hones shag.
And one night after a gig in abersoch (god i was
hot as buttered toast that night--i played 'The
Desert Song' on the harmonica whilst being
swed in half by tap dancing monkees).
Anyway i got drunk with the Lion tamer and
broke into the bearded ladies tent. Apparently
i looked down her cleavage and said 'i might
not be a ring master but i'll master your ring
.....show us your tits love...i like a big top'.
She complained an Billy Smart is an equal
oportunities employer (well apart from the
dwarfes). So he says 'Bernard that is no way
to treat a lady, not even a bearded one....
sorry son you're fired')
Oh well!!!!!
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
my legs. I have just been sacked as novelty
harmonica player in Billy Smart's circus. Okay
I had to play my H whilst being chased by
Charlie the Clown with a bucket full of custard,
but I don't mind suffering for my art.
Anyway two week into the tour and I am
understudying Bobo the high wire roller skating
dog (god that dog was a tempremental artiste).
And on the Tuesday Bobo is 100 ft above
Towyn pier when a wheel came off a hind leg
skate.
Picture the poor mutt hanging grimly onto the
high wire by his teeth, a stifled growl in his
tortured throat, his paws moving and clawing
frantically in the cold Towyn night air.
Then 'berfuckingclang' he plummeted to Earth
like a vase dropped off a verandah.
His fall luckily being halted by him landing on
the drunken knife throwers sequined assistant
Sheila Grimes and puncturing her left lung.
This catapulted me to the top of the bill (oh the
jealousy- the memory man pretended he'd
forgotten my name).
So as a result i started attracting the attention
of the women folk. And to be honest i was
missing the company of a woman and a good
hones shag.
And one night after a gig in abersoch (god i was
hot as buttered toast that night--i played 'The
Desert Song' on the harmonica whilst being
swed in half by tap dancing monkees).
Anyway i got drunk with the Lion tamer and
broke into the bearded ladies tent. Apparently
i looked down her cleavage and said 'i might
not be a ring master but i'll master your ring
.....show us your tits love...i like a big top'.
She complained an Billy Smart is an equal
oportunities employer (well apart from the
dwarfes). So he says 'Bernard that is no way
to treat a lady, not even a bearded one....
sorry son you're fired')
Oh well!!!!!
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
Dear All,
Just a short note inbetween trips to the khazi,
don't try that new Greek taverna on Beswick
precint. The Acropolis it is called, got pictures
outside of schishkebabs. Yeah well since me
an Denise dined there i've had the scishkebabs
and i've never bin off the acropolis.
She thought she'd be all fancy an order in Greek
she grabbed the menu and said 'I'll have a
pag-e-ni-ne'
The waiter took the menu and said 'that says
page nine love'
How embarressing.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. The beer was like making love on a canal
bank.....it was fucking close to water
don't try that new Greek taverna on Beswick
precint. The Acropolis it is called, got pictures
outside of schishkebabs. Yeah well since me
an Denise dined there i've had the scishkebabs
and i've never bin off the acropolis.
She thought she'd be all fancy an order in Greek
she grabbed the menu and said 'I'll have a
pag-e-ni-ne'
The waiter took the menu and said 'that says
page nine love'
How embarressing.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. The beer was like making love on a canal
bank.....it was fucking close to water
Saturday 1 August 2009
Dear Mr O'Reilly,
Denise says to tell you that whenever you
throw away old shoes that you should
always take out the laces and keep them.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. Is the jury still out on the cake issue?
throw away old shoes that you should
always take out the laces and keep them.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. Is the jury still out on the cake issue?
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