Please accept this my resignation. I have thought
long and hard about everything and burnt the
midnight oil well into the night. What did Bernard
say? 'I've burnt the candle at both ends and still have
the wax on me boots to prove it'.
Who could forget his dynamic pragmatic wit? Even
when the butt of the joke was on me I still smiled
I often sit playing the spoons and reliving those
moments. Like the time he said 'You can tell that
Mr O'Reilly got out of the bed on the wrong side
this morning-he's wearing Mrs Fenton's shoes'
But sometimes in life you meet a man that makes
you see what has always been apparent. A man
that makes you confront the demons within. A
man that makes you look in the mirror and see
what became of the little Irish boy who wanted to
be a Priest or work with sick animals. A man that
can act as the catylist to Christianity.
Bernard Wilson was such a man. If only I hadn't
been so obstinate and just said 'sultana and custard'
But no man is rich enough to buy back his past'
as Oscar Wilde said.
No Brenda I am leaving. I will make my way as an
itinerant washboard and spoon player (selling lucky
heather as a side line). Just me, the runt and the
open road).
Wherever there is an anguished cry of a down
trodden waif, wherever there is the wail of a beaten
child, wherever there is the thin hollow laughter of
a man grown fat on the fraility of others, wherever
a snowflake lands on a teardrop unfallen, I will be
there. And I will be there with the spoons that
George Formby once ate jelly off. And in the name
of Bernard Wilson I will beat spit the tune of the
oppressed. Though it be done through broken
teeth, rotting gums and calloused lips, it will be
done.
PEACE AND LOVE
EAMMON O'REILLY
(EX HOUSING OFFICER)
P.S. Give my 'Hull Kingston Rovers' cup to Fat
Janice on reception. She's always had her eye
on it and there's no tea to be drunk where i'm
going.
Thursday 27 August 2009
Wednesday 26 August 2009
DEAR LACKEYS OF THE CAPITALIST RUNNING DOGS,
HOPE YOU ARE WELL. WE THE UNPOPULAR PEOPLES
FRONT FOR THE LIBERATION OF MONSALL (BUT FUCK
HARPURHEY WHAT THEY EVER DONE FOR US?) SEND
OUR COMMISERATIONS AND CONDOLENCES UPON
THE SAD NEWS OF THE DEATH OF CLASS WARRIOR
AND MAN OF THE PEOPLE BERNARD WILSON.
ME AND THE LADS WERE ALL SAT AROUND OUR
SECRET HIDEOUT (IN A CABIN AT THE BACK OF THE
ASHES CLUB IN MOSTON) LAST NIGHT AND WE ALL
AGREED THAT BERNARD WAS OUR FAVOURITE
KIDNAP (THE WORST WAS THAT AGRAPHOBIAC
FROM HEMDEN VALE. MORE TROUBLE THAN HE WAS
WORTH THAT ONE. LIKE TRYING TO GET A WINKEL OUT
OF HIS SHELL TRYING TO GET HIM OUT OF THAT TRAVEL
TRUNK. HE JUST DIDN'T WANT TO GO HOME. HE
ESCAPED AND CAME BACK THREE TIMES TO MY
KNOWLEDGE).
BUT BERNARD WHAT A GENTLEMAN!!!
WITH MOST KIDNAPPEES YOU HAVE DIFFICULTY IN
MAKING THEM TALK BUT WITH BERNARD WE HAD
DIFFICULTY TRYING TO STOP HIM.
I REMEMBER SAYING
'BERNARD WHAT IS YOUR GRANDMOTHERS
ADDRESS?'
'WILD HORSES WOULDN'T MAKE ME REVEAL THAT'
HE REPLIED.
BUT BEFORE I'D FINISHED SAYING 'TOMMO PUT
THE ELECTRODES ON HIS TESTICLES' HE'D SAID
'14 CLEGHEATON STREET. BACK OF THE BELL
CRESCENT NURSING HOME. SHE'S A SMALL
WOMAN. LIGHT OF FEET AND FINGERS. SHE CAN
BE FOUND MOST AFTERNOONS IN THE GALA
BINGO HALL....CAN I GO NOW?
YES A CARD INDEED!!!!
OUR FUNERAL DEMANDS ARE THREE IN NUMBER
1) 'I WILL NEVER PASS THIS WAY AGAIN' BY
SLIM WHITMAN AS BERNARD'S FUNERAL SONG
2)A FREE BAR AND BUFFET IN THE QUEEN ANNE
3)THE ABOLITION OF BRUSELL SPROUTS
THE RIVERS WILL RUN RED
WITH YOUR BLOOD
US
P.S.....CRY BERNARD FOR BESWICK AND LET
SLIP THE WHIPPETS OF WAR
FRONT FOR THE LIBERATION OF MONSALL (BUT FUCK
HARPURHEY WHAT THEY EVER DONE FOR US?) SEND
OUR COMMISERATIONS AND CONDOLENCES UPON
THE SAD NEWS OF THE DEATH OF CLASS WARRIOR
AND MAN OF THE PEOPLE BERNARD WILSON.
ME AND THE LADS WERE ALL SAT AROUND OUR
SECRET HIDEOUT (IN A CABIN AT THE BACK OF THE
ASHES CLUB IN MOSTON) LAST NIGHT AND WE ALL
AGREED THAT BERNARD WAS OUR FAVOURITE
KIDNAP (THE WORST WAS THAT AGRAPHOBIAC
FROM HEMDEN VALE. MORE TROUBLE THAN HE WAS
WORTH THAT ONE. LIKE TRYING TO GET A WINKEL OUT
OF HIS SHELL TRYING TO GET HIM OUT OF THAT TRAVEL
TRUNK. HE JUST DIDN'T WANT TO GO HOME. HE
ESCAPED AND CAME BACK THREE TIMES TO MY
KNOWLEDGE).
BUT BERNARD WHAT A GENTLEMAN!!!
WITH MOST KIDNAPPEES YOU HAVE DIFFICULTY IN
MAKING THEM TALK BUT WITH BERNARD WE HAD
DIFFICULTY TRYING TO STOP HIM.
I REMEMBER SAYING
'BERNARD WHAT IS YOUR GRANDMOTHERS
ADDRESS?'
'WILD HORSES WOULDN'T MAKE ME REVEAL THAT'
HE REPLIED.
BUT BEFORE I'D FINISHED SAYING 'TOMMO PUT
THE ELECTRODES ON HIS TESTICLES' HE'D SAID
'14 CLEGHEATON STREET. BACK OF THE BELL
CRESCENT NURSING HOME. SHE'S A SMALL
WOMAN. LIGHT OF FEET AND FINGERS. SHE CAN
BE FOUND MOST AFTERNOONS IN THE GALA
BINGO HALL....CAN I GO NOW?
YES A CARD INDEED!!!!
OUR FUNERAL DEMANDS ARE THREE IN NUMBER
1) 'I WILL NEVER PASS THIS WAY AGAIN' BY
SLIM WHITMAN AS BERNARD'S FUNERAL SONG
2)A FREE BAR AND BUFFET IN THE QUEEN ANNE
3)THE ABOLITION OF BRUSELL SPROUTS
THE RIVERS WILL RUN RED
WITH YOUR BLOOD
US
P.S.....CRY BERNARD FOR BESWICK AND LET
SLIP THE WHIPPETS OF WAR
Tuesday 25 August 2009
Dear People,
I write to denounce the false prophet that was
the late Bernard Wilson. He who perished in a
Dublib B&B (£15 a night, £17 with an inside
toilet) fire. I have evidence that he was
embezzling the Beswick branch of the Burning
Branch church out of the meat pie money and
was serving spam on a best ham night to the
pensioners.
There is also the matter of him breaking his
oath of silence whilst a member of the Silent
Brothers of Beswick darts team. I mean we
don't mind the odd word. It was perfectly
reasonable when Odu Mwangabwingi cursed
our lord cos the Columbian all-night-netball
powder deal went down. But to spend £798
on chat lines is just not on.
I know you mealy mouthed liberal bleeding
hearts at the Housing are planning a memorial
of some kind.
I've heard it mooted a statue placed inbetween
Housing and Grey Mare Lane Police Station.
With Bernard giving his famous four fingered
salute in either direction.
But we the God fearing residents of Beswick
will fight.
It's not too late to arm the Neighbourhood
Watch!!!
Let's reclaim the parks and off-licenses. One
drive by shooting of some short skirted
lambrinied up cake faced bimbo should serve
as a shot across the bows.
Beswick is a seething cauldron of unrest, we
are in the white heat of hatred. There is hate
in the hood and blood in the air and despair
in the minute
WRAP UP WARM
ELSIE CARR (Widow but still looking)
P.S. I've poisoned the cheap peaches in
Netto, as we speak half of Hemden Vale
are in a catatonic trance
the late Bernard Wilson. He who perished in a
Dublib B&B (£15 a night, £17 with an inside
toilet) fire. I have evidence that he was
embezzling the Beswick branch of the Burning
Branch church out of the meat pie money and
was serving spam on a best ham night to the
pensioners.
There is also the matter of him breaking his
oath of silence whilst a member of the Silent
Brothers of Beswick darts team. I mean we
don't mind the odd word. It was perfectly
reasonable when Odu Mwangabwingi cursed
our lord cos the Columbian all-night-netball
powder deal went down. But to spend £798
on chat lines is just not on.
I know you mealy mouthed liberal bleeding
hearts at the Housing are planning a memorial
of some kind.
I've heard it mooted a statue placed inbetween
Housing and Grey Mare Lane Police Station.
With Bernard giving his famous four fingered
salute in either direction.
But we the God fearing residents of Beswick
will fight.
It's not too late to arm the Neighbourhood
Watch!!!
Let's reclaim the parks and off-licenses. One
drive by shooting of some short skirted
lambrinied up cake faced bimbo should serve
as a shot across the bows.
Beswick is a seething cauldron of unrest, we
are in the white heat of hatred. There is hate
in the hood and blood in the air and despair
in the minute
WRAP UP WARM
ELSIE CARR (Widow but still looking)
P.S. I've poisoned the cheap peaches in
Netto, as we speak half of Hemden Vale
are in a catatonic trance
Dear Housing,
who will hold me oh so tight?
in the darkest, darkest night?
who will be my candle light?
and guide me through every fight?
now that daddy's gone
who will wipe away my tears?
tell me stories, kill my fears?
watch with love through the years
who will be my eyes and ears?
now that daddy's gone
who will put me down to bed?
and pat my worried little head
who will listen to what i've said?
and not love someone else instead?
now that daddy's gone
YOURS SINCERLY
EVERTON WILSON (AGED 9)
in the darkest, darkest night?
who will be my candle light?
and guide me through every fight?
now that daddy's gone
who will wipe away my tears?
tell me stories, kill my fears?
watch with love through the years
who will be my eyes and ears?
now that daddy's gone
who will put me down to bed?
and pat my worried little head
who will listen to what i've said?
and not love someone else instead?
now that daddy's gone
YOURS SINCERLY
EVERTON WILSON (AGED 9)
Monday 24 August 2009
Dear Yous,
Who will be after paying? Is what
i'll be after wanting to know?
Four nights yer man and his whore's
melt had at my boarding house (£15
a night. £17 inside toilet, No Tinkers)
And him with his pack of dogeens
wailing like Banshees half the night
(Jasus, Mary and Joseph' I said to
himself 'would you but listen to it?'
And didn't yer man tell me he was an
English 'lucky heather' salesman?
An Phoblact Abu
Katleen MacDermaid
P.S. you'll be hearing from Big Pat
so you will.
i'll be after wanting to know?
Four nights yer man and his whore's
melt had at my boarding house (£15
a night. £17 inside toilet, No Tinkers)
And him with his pack of dogeens
wailing like Banshees half the night
(Jasus, Mary and Joseph' I said to
himself 'would you but listen to it?'
And didn't yer man tell me he was an
English 'lucky heather' salesman?
An Phoblact Abu
Katleen MacDermaid
P.S. you'll be hearing from Big Pat
so you will.
Sunday 23 August 2009
BERNARD WILSON THE AFTERMATH......
this is a series of about six letters......thanks for bearing with me
Thursday 20 August 2009
Dear All,
It is with great sadness and unabiding sorrow that I must
tell you of the demise of my husband the late great Bernard
Pandit Wilson. Who was tragically burnt to death in a Dublin
flop house (£15 a night, £17 inside toilet) fire.
Burned so badly that only his grieving mother could recognise
him (who could forget the harrowing moment that she stared
at his charred remains and said 'yep that's the little Asian get'
Why? oh why? oh why O'reilly?
The tragedy of it all, a fallen jostick catching the hem of his
kafkhan. The finest man i ever met snatched from me like a
pregnant woman's handbag on Conran Street market.
Oh why? (keep an eye on Mr O'Reilly....you know what them
Paddies are like)
What have i got to remember him by? Apart from eleven
whippets, seven children, five pups, one runt and a guitar with
'I'll get even with you Bert Weedon' scratched on it.
Do you know what it's like? The lonely bitter nights that I
stare at an empty chair that was once filled with laughter. The
bare swinging lightbulb casting shadows over objects that he
once held and cherished. An array of empty bottles lying empty
and finished in the corner. But they can't mask my hurt or avert
my agony. The memories of nights and double giro's ringing
in my ears. Taunting me, taunting me, taunting me.
How do I carry on when a mere tot says 'Where's Daddy?'
And I have to look little Everton in the face and say 'With Jesus'
The loneliness of holding a pillow and pretending it's him. Of
talking to a picture on the wall. Of reliving favourite moments
over and over and over again. Of a searing pain that knows of
no respite and torments and tortures your soul. That eats away
at the very fabric of your existence. Till you've forgot how to
wash, how to clean, how to laugh talk and think. Till you can't
walk to the shops or feed yourself and you're left face turned
to the wall crying.
Then you look at the tablets. Yes those tablets. His tablets. And
you count them like a kid counting smarties. And you look out
at the dark uncompromising night. The night that knows no end.
Knows no relief. Knows no sanctuary.
And it's then. Yes! Yes! Yes! It's then that you know you must
do what you must do.
But hey enough about me.....how's everybody there?
LOVE AND PEACE
DENISE WILSON (NEE TREMBLER)
tell you of the demise of my husband the late great Bernard
Pandit Wilson. Who was tragically burnt to death in a Dublin
flop house (£15 a night, £17 inside toilet) fire.
Burned so badly that only his grieving mother could recognise
him (who could forget the harrowing moment that she stared
at his charred remains and said 'yep that's the little Asian get'
Why? oh why? oh why O'reilly?
The tragedy of it all, a fallen jostick catching the hem of his
kafkhan. The finest man i ever met snatched from me like a
pregnant woman's handbag on Conran Street market.
Oh why? (keep an eye on Mr O'Reilly....you know what them
Paddies are like)
What have i got to remember him by? Apart from eleven
whippets, seven children, five pups, one runt and a guitar with
'I'll get even with you Bert Weedon' scratched on it.
Do you know what it's like? The lonely bitter nights that I
stare at an empty chair that was once filled with laughter. The
bare swinging lightbulb casting shadows over objects that he
once held and cherished. An array of empty bottles lying empty
and finished in the corner. But they can't mask my hurt or avert
my agony. The memories of nights and double giro's ringing
in my ears. Taunting me, taunting me, taunting me.
How do I carry on when a mere tot says 'Where's Daddy?'
And I have to look little Everton in the face and say 'With Jesus'
The loneliness of holding a pillow and pretending it's him. Of
talking to a picture on the wall. Of reliving favourite moments
over and over and over again. Of a searing pain that knows of
no respite and torments and tortures your soul. That eats away
at the very fabric of your existence. Till you've forgot how to
wash, how to clean, how to laugh talk and think. Till you can't
walk to the shops or feed yourself and you're left face turned
to the wall crying.
Then you look at the tablets. Yes those tablets. His tablets. And
you count them like a kid counting smarties. And you look out
at the dark uncompromising night. The night that knows no end.
Knows no relief. Knows no sanctuary.
And it's then. Yes! Yes! Yes! It's then that you know you must
do what you must do.
But hey enough about me.....how's everybody there?
LOVE AND PEACE
DENISE WILSON (NEE TREMBLER)
Wednesday 19 August 2009
Dear Mrs Fenton (or dare I say Brenda),
I'm not going to beat about the bush (actually i prefer
smoking it). I've got to put my true feelings on the
table. It's not been an easy week, last Sunday I
dropped me ganja tin in the buscuit barrell (face down)
and i've spent the last three days smoking ginger snaps.
I nearly O'D'd on a jammy dodger.
Picture with me, if you will, my prostrate body lying by
the cat flap. My head in the dogs bowl trying vainly to
either drink it or drown in it.
I went down for the third time and my whole life
flashed before my eyes and i decided you were the for
me. I know i've done more ballooning
than Richard Branson but that's all behind me now.
Give me one last chance!!!
I remember the first time we gazed across a housing
desk at each other, there was a complete fusion of
souls, linking of hearts and meeting of minds.
The sort of moment that great poets write poems about,
great artists paint about and great muscians play the
ukelele about. I never did write back and thank you for
cleaning my gutters. But since then i've known it could
only ever be you for me. On the windscreen of the car
that is my heart, on each side of the fluffy dice it reads
'BERNARD and MRS FENTON'.
Make a man of me. I will run through your hair barefoot
(Tuesday is best that is bath night).
I know I am married to Denise but it is a sham and a
lie. We've had words (when i could get one in edgeways)
I wear the trousers in our marriage (well apart from a
bit of cross dressing) and Denny has agreed to a Druids
divorce, which is slightly different from a Church of
England divorce (I have to amputate my left gonad with
a blunt butchers knife, take it to Stonehenge, and grill it
in virgins blood on soltice eve, before eating it.....a bit like
a bush tucker trial).
But it's all worthwhile for you.
It will be tough at first, just you and me (and the eleven
whippets, seven kids, five pups and a runt) but as soon
as i've finished my MANCAT course in Aggresive Begging
then the Earth is ours.
Brenda let me take you into my garden and show YOU to
my roses (as Brinsley Sheridan once so beautifully said).
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. My heart is forever the prisoner of Brenda
smoking it). I've got to put my true feelings on the
table. It's not been an easy week, last Sunday I
dropped me ganja tin in the buscuit barrell (face down)
and i've spent the last three days smoking ginger snaps.
I nearly O'D'd on a jammy dodger.
Picture with me, if you will, my prostrate body lying by
the cat flap. My head in the dogs bowl trying vainly to
either drink it or drown in it.
I went down for the third time and my whole life
flashed before my eyes and i decided you were the for
me. I know i've done more ballooning
than Richard Branson but that's all behind me now.
Give me one last chance!!!
I remember the first time we gazed across a housing
desk at each other, there was a complete fusion of
souls, linking of hearts and meeting of minds.
The sort of moment that great poets write poems about,
great artists paint about and great muscians play the
ukelele about. I never did write back and thank you for
cleaning my gutters. But since then i've known it could
only ever be you for me. On the windscreen of the car
that is my heart, on each side of the fluffy dice it reads
'BERNARD and MRS FENTON'.
Make a man of me. I will run through your hair barefoot
(Tuesday is best that is bath night).
I know I am married to Denise but it is a sham and a
lie. We've had words (when i could get one in edgeways)
I wear the trousers in our marriage (well apart from a
bit of cross dressing) and Denny has agreed to a Druids
divorce, which is slightly different from a Church of
England divorce (I have to amputate my left gonad with
a blunt butchers knife, take it to Stonehenge, and grill it
in virgins blood on soltice eve, before eating it.....a bit like
a bush tucker trial).
But it's all worthwhile for you.
It will be tough at first, just you and me (and the eleven
whippets, seven kids, five pups and a runt) but as soon
as i've finished my MANCAT course in Aggresive Begging
then the Earth is ours.
Brenda let me take you into my garden and show YOU to
my roses (as Brinsley Sheridan once so beautifully said).
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. My heart is forever the prisoner of Brenda
Tuesday 18 August 2009
Dear Mr O'Reilly,
Please withdraw my entry for the
'Hanging Gardens Of Beswick'
competition.
The Police raided me on Monday
night and me entry is now 'exhibit A'
in the Crown v Wilson.
Shame!!! I had my heart set on that
rosette.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
'Hanging Gardens Of Beswick'
competition.
The Police raided me on Monday
night and me entry is now 'exhibit A'
in the Crown v Wilson.
Shame!!! I had my heart set on that
rosette.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
Dear All,
They can't hang you for a spelling mistake.
Not true!!! My Great Uncle Wesley Wilson was
hung because of one.
There he was in the condemned cell at
Strangeways when the telegram to commute
the hanging came through.
Trouble was whoever typed it at the home
office had made a mistake. Instead of
'execution cancelled' it read 'execution candelled'.
And as a consequence he had a magnificent
candle lit send off. It was like Liberace's bedroom
during a half price rent boy night.
Even Albert Pierpoint had a tear in his eye.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
Not true!!! My Great Uncle Wesley Wilson was
hung because of one.
There he was in the condemned cell at
Strangeways when the telegram to commute
the hanging came through.
Trouble was whoever typed it at the home
office had made a mistake. Instead of
'execution cancelled' it read 'execution candelled'.
And as a consequence he had a magnificent
candle lit send off. It was like Liberace's bedroom
during a half price rent boy night.
Even Albert Pierpoint had a tear in his eye.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
Monday 17 August 2009
Dear Mrs Fenton,
I'm suing that hypnotist. Ever since me and
Denise went to see him in the Queen Anne at
the 'Gala Night of Stars' (featuring the Nolan
Sisters minus the famous one and Little and
Large) I have been addicted to guerkins.
I bet I am the only man in Beswick who throws
away the bun and burger and eats the bloody
guerkin!!!
And another thing, everytime i hear the word
'hello' i have this overwhelming urge to bark
and growl like a dog.
Please explain to fat Janice on reception
that it wasn't a nuisance caller on the phone,
it was me. And can you ask her to say 'hi
Beswick housing' next time she answers it?.
I've barked and growled meself hoarse.
The worst thing is that once i start howling
then the eleven whippets, seven kids and five
pups all join in.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
Denise went to see him in the Queen Anne at
the 'Gala Night of Stars' (featuring the Nolan
Sisters minus the famous one and Little and
Large) I have been addicted to guerkins.
I bet I am the only man in Beswick who throws
away the bun and burger and eats the bloody
guerkin!!!
And another thing, everytime i hear the word
'hello' i have this overwhelming urge to bark
and growl like a dog.
Please explain to fat Janice on reception
that it wasn't a nuisance caller on the phone,
it was me. And can you ask her to say 'hi
Beswick housing' next time she answers it?.
I've barked and growled meself hoarse.
The worst thing is that once i start howling
then the eleven whippets, seven kids and five
pups all join in.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
Dear All,
Dib dob, dib dob.
This winter on Beswick Common we are
pitching marquees and having a disco
on the feast of the rancid goat.
This is to be a Shakespearean themed
fun day and we are calling it 'The Winter
Of Our Disco Tents'.
So don those shorts, wave those woggles
and gin-gan-get yerself down there on the
day!!!
Old campers never die they just peg out.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
This winter on Beswick Common we are
pitching marquees and having a disco
on the feast of the rancid goat.
This is to be a Shakespearean themed
fun day and we are calling it 'The Winter
Of Our Disco Tents'.
So don those shorts, wave those woggles
and gin-gan-get yerself down there on the
day!!!
Old campers never die they just peg out.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
Saturday 15 August 2009
Dear All,
My grandad was a station master for British Rail
and also a part time inventer. At night he'd sit
there getting ideas above his station.
And i'm no different i've written to Dragon's Den
with my latest invention.
It's a machine for taking kidney beans out of
pre-packaged chilli products.
Without giving too much away it's a collender on
a wire worked by a pulley and ratchet device with
a four cylinder enclave valve operating a guilotone
and sleuce system.
The man at the Patents Office said he'd never seen
it's like before. Then he went all sarky and asked
could i invent something to stop the whippets
pissing on the 'What to Do in Manchester'
information rack.
I'm after 90k for 12% equity.
Fingers crossed and we'll eat cake on this one
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
and also a part time inventer. At night he'd sit
there getting ideas above his station.
And i'm no different i've written to Dragon's Den
with my latest invention.
It's a machine for taking kidney beans out of
pre-packaged chilli products.
Without giving too much away it's a collender on
a wire worked by a pulley and ratchet device with
a four cylinder enclave valve operating a guilotone
and sleuce system.
The man at the Patents Office said he'd never seen
it's like before. Then he went all sarky and asked
could i invent something to stop the whippets
pissing on the 'What to Do in Manchester'
information rack.
I'm after 90k for 12% equity.
Fingers crossed and we'll eat cake on this one
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
Friday 14 August 2009
Dear All,
just a short note to let you know i will
not be available on Wednesday
afternoons.
No! I will be in the park jacking off
Yes! The bowls season has started.
And this season I will be giving the
cricket a wide berth.
I've still not lived down last years
faux-pas. No indeed.
There I was on the balconey in the
members pavillion when the captain of
the Beswick X1 said 'You're in eight'
I thought he said 'Urinate' and the
rest as they say is history or
'Golden Showers Stops Play' as the
Advertiser waxed.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
not be available on Wednesday
afternoons.
No! I will be in the park jacking off
Yes! The bowls season has started.
And this season I will be giving the
cricket a wide berth.
I've still not lived down last years
faux-pas. No indeed.
There I was on the balconey in the
members pavillion when the captain of
the Beswick X1 said 'You're in eight'
I thought he said 'Urinate' and the
rest as they say is history or
'Golden Showers Stops Play' as the
Advertiser waxed.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
Thursday 13 August 2009
Dear Mr O'Reilly,
Who are the silent majority?
And how do they communicate?
If these people are making signs
about me behind my back or
doing some kind of risque mime
implying things about me, then I
for one would like to know about
it.
Let's sort these smug bastards
out for once and for all
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
And how do they communicate?
If these people are making signs
about me behind my back or
doing some kind of risque mime
implying things about me, then I
for one would like to know about
it.
Let's sort these smug bastards
out for once and for all
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
Dear Mrs Fenton,
What's up with these Asians of late?
Everytime you see them nowadays
they are in a right paddy (no offence
Mr O'Reilly).
At one time they were all happy watching
Kabadi on Eurosport but nowadays nothing
but bombings and a man with a hook for
a hand (very useful if you drop your keys
down a grid).
Me and Denise turned the telly on last
Wednesday and it was that Ken Bigley
thing again.
The first time I seen Ken in that blindfold
surrounded by Asians I shouted to Denise
'Aye up Denny, them Asians have come up
with a follow up to Kabadi.....I think it's some
kind of Asian blindman's bluff'.
Anyway could you send round a surveyor for
the drains. There's a terrible smell in the
house. It's driving me, denise, the eleven
whippets, five pups an seven kids potty
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
Everytime you see them nowadays
they are in a right paddy (no offence
Mr O'Reilly).
At one time they were all happy watching
Kabadi on Eurosport but nowadays nothing
but bombings and a man with a hook for
a hand (very useful if you drop your keys
down a grid).
Me and Denise turned the telly on last
Wednesday and it was that Ken Bigley
thing again.
The first time I seen Ken in that blindfold
surrounded by Asians I shouted to Denise
'Aye up Denny, them Asians have come up
with a follow up to Kabadi.....I think it's some
kind of Asian blindman's bluff'.
Anyway could you send round a surveyor for
the drains. There's a terrible smell in the
house. It's driving me, denise, the eleven
whippets, five pups an seven kids potty
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
Wednesday 12 August 2009
Dear Mr O'Reilly,
A nod is as good as a wink to a blind
horse. So between me, you and the gate
post (which incidently could do with a
lick of paint), I have a contact at the
T.V. licensing centre.
The month before the detector vans hit
Beswick he sends me a letter warning us.
So all the next month me and Denise keep
the door locked incase they knock.
Anyway let me know your address and i'll
see about getting you the same
arrangement
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. Why are all dog licenses the same
price?...surely if you keep a back n white
dog that license should be cheaper?
horse. So between me, you and the gate
post (which incidently could do with a
lick of paint), I have a contact at the
T.V. licensing centre.
The month before the detector vans hit
Beswick he sends me a letter warning us.
So all the next month me and Denise keep
the door locked incase they knock.
Anyway let me know your address and i'll
see about getting you the same
arrangement
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. Why are all dog licenses the same
price?...surely if you keep a back n white
dog that license should be cheaper?
Dear Mr O'Reilly,
I put pen to paper to avail you of Denise's
latest venture, Clonic Irrigation. Yes!!!
Clonic Irrigation. She used to work for
Dynarod so it's in her blood.
I gave her my plastic pipe from the old home
brew days and it brought tears to her eyes.
Her lips quivered and her knees trembled and
then she told me of the time as a Girl-Guide
on bob-a-job week.
She was washing cars with a hosepipe and shammy
and the driver of a punto took advantage of her
behind the bin shed over the pots of bergonia's.
She says it was the first time she attained orgasm
(which could account for the purchase of the new
waterbed).
Still that's all water under the bridge now!!!
So Mr O'Reilly if you need raking out then pipe
up for Clonic Irrigation
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
latest venture, Clonic Irrigation. Yes!!!
Clonic Irrigation. She used to work for
Dynarod so it's in her blood.
I gave her my plastic pipe from the old home
brew days and it brought tears to her eyes.
Her lips quivered and her knees trembled and
then she told me of the time as a Girl-Guide
on bob-a-job week.
She was washing cars with a hosepipe and shammy
and the driver of a punto took advantage of her
behind the bin shed over the pots of bergonia's.
She says it was the first time she attained orgasm
(which could account for the purchase of the new
waterbed).
Still that's all water under the bridge now!!!
So Mr O'Reilly if you need raking out then pipe
up for Clonic Irrigation
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
Tuesday 11 August 2009
Dear all,
just a note to say i'm back from
a conference of world religeous
leaders in Accrington. They were
all there Billy Graham, the Dali
Llama (God he can shift a bit of ale)
Rabi Goldberg, The Pope (never
knew he was a catholic, he don't
even look Irish) and Ian Paisley.
On the final night we had a fancy
dress ball and I went as the singing
nun and came second. Rabi Goldberg
stole it with his Adolf Hitler routine 'ein
volk, ein reich ein give me the
moonlight'. Ian Paisley was third with
his Joseph Locke impersonation
'I'll build a bonfire of your troubles
and watch them blaze away', it even
had the Methodists clapping along
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
a conference of world religeous
leaders in Accrington. They were
all there Billy Graham, the Dali
Llama (God he can shift a bit of ale)
Rabi Goldberg, The Pope (never
knew he was a catholic, he don't
even look Irish) and Ian Paisley.
On the final night we had a fancy
dress ball and I went as the singing
nun and came second. Rabi Goldberg
stole it with his Adolf Hitler routine 'ein
volk, ein reich ein give me the
moonlight'. Ian Paisley was third with
his Joseph Locke impersonation
'I'll build a bonfire of your troubles
and watch them blaze away', it even
had the Methodists clapping along
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
Monday 10 August 2009
Dear All,
I feel after disscussion with my
therapist that I must tell you of my
tortured upbringing. At the hospital
where I was born another baby was
born only minutes before and my
Mother became convinced that me
and the other baby had been
swapped.
It became like an obsession with her.
She haunted the other women with
letters, phone-calls, threats and
malicious rumours about her and
the milkman. She even attempted to
kidnap the other child.
Finally Mrs Patel got an injunction
out against her.
But Mam or 'Mrs Wilson' as she made
me call her never took to me.
Even though i have got ginger hair
she used to say to my brothers
'What you playing with that Asian kid
for?'
But through therapy I have finally
come to terms with my past.
And I am a better person for it.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
therapist that I must tell you of my
tortured upbringing. At the hospital
where I was born another baby was
born only minutes before and my
Mother became convinced that me
and the other baby had been
swapped.
It became like an obsession with her.
She haunted the other women with
letters, phone-calls, threats and
malicious rumours about her and
the milkman. She even attempted to
kidnap the other child.
Finally Mrs Patel got an injunction
out against her.
But Mam or 'Mrs Wilson' as she made
me call her never took to me.
Even though i have got ginger hair
she used to say to my brothers
'What you playing with that Asian kid
for?'
But through therapy I have finally
come to terms with my past.
And I am a better person for it.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
Dear All,
sorry i haven't written that much of
late but i have been very busy.
I decided that my message is universal
and in the words of the Gospel according
to Saint Matthew I must 'speak in
tongues'. So I sent for some Linguaphone
records.
'Send no money now' said the advert
(the word now was a bit of a waste).
I wonder if the Disciples had the same
problems that i am encountering?
I mean I can order a cup of coffee in
Urdu but nowhere can I find the words
to warn people about the firey furnaces
of hell.
There was I on a podium in Rhyll shopping
mall armed with a copy of Clydd Cymru
thinking I was yelling 'Repent ye the
Kingdom of Heaven is at hand' and all the
time I was shouting 'is this an all night
launderette?'.
No converts but a two bag wash for the
price of one and a car sticker.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. Tell Mr O'Reilly that I will be
ordering my repairs in Cantonese
here on in.
late but i have been very busy.
I decided that my message is universal
and in the words of the Gospel according
to Saint Matthew I must 'speak in
tongues'. So I sent for some Linguaphone
records.
'Send no money now' said the advert
(the word now was a bit of a waste).
I wonder if the Disciples had the same
problems that i am encountering?
I mean I can order a cup of coffee in
Urdu but nowhere can I find the words
to warn people about the firey furnaces
of hell.
There was I on a podium in Rhyll shopping
mall armed with a copy of Clydd Cymru
thinking I was yelling 'Repent ye the
Kingdom of Heaven is at hand' and all the
time I was shouting 'is this an all night
launderette?'.
No converts but a two bag wash for the
price of one and a car sticker.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. Tell Mr O'Reilly that I will be
ordering my repairs in Cantonese
here on in.
Saturday 8 August 2009
Dear All,
I have just visited Gypsy Rose Kyle on
Blackpool Golden Mile and she read me palm
(she's done all the top stars Norman Vaughn,
Freddie Garrity, Ralph Milne....you name
'em she's done 'em).
And apparently I am to father a love child to
a Housing Team Leader, have a singing
carear culminating in a gay affair with Syd
Little and have a minor operation on my
left knee.
'Good heavens' i said 'Will i still be able to
do Knees Up Mother Brown at Butlins?
Thankfully yes.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. Gypsy Rose said that i would be
offered a job in the third world.
'Oh' i said 'that'll be in the cake shop
on Beswick precinct'.
Blackpool Golden Mile and she read me palm
(she's done all the top stars Norman Vaughn,
Freddie Garrity, Ralph Milne....you name
'em she's done 'em).
And apparently I am to father a love child to
a Housing Team Leader, have a singing
carear culminating in a gay affair with Syd
Little and have a minor operation on my
left knee.
'Good heavens' i said 'Will i still be able to
do Knees Up Mother Brown at Butlins?
Thankfully yes.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. Gypsy Rose said that i would be
offered a job in the third world.
'Oh' i said 'that'll be in the cake shop
on Beswick precinct'.
DEAR HOUSING DEPARTMENT,
WE THE UNPOPULAR FRONT FOR THE LIBERTION OF
MONSALL BUT FUCK HARPURHEY WHAT HAVE THEY
EVER DONE FOR US, HAVE YOUR BERNARD WILSON.
THE PROMISE OF A GOOD WEED AND FOUR CANS
OF STELLA LURED HIM TO OUR SECRET HIDEOUT
ON TOP OF 'TAN AN TONE' ON QUEENS ROAD.
FOR THE SAFE RETURN OF THE ENDEARING
LOVEABLE RUNNING DOG OF THE CAPITALISTIC
PARASYTIC MAGGOTS THAT FEED ON THE ROTTING
UNDER BELLY OF A DECAYING SOCIETY OUR
DEMANDS MUST BE MET.
THEY ARE THREE IN NUMBER.
1) THE ABOLITION OF BRUSELL SPROUTS
2) A CASE OF WHITE LIGHTENING AND A SLEAVE
OF SUPERKINGS
3) THE RECLASSIFICATION OF MY COUSIN ROY
AS A POLITICAL PRISONER (he did rob the
Conservative club after all).
ALL POWER FROM THE
BARRELL OF A GUN
US
MONSALL BUT FUCK HARPURHEY WHAT HAVE THEY
EVER DONE FOR US, HAVE YOUR BERNARD WILSON.
THE PROMISE OF A GOOD WEED AND FOUR CANS
OF STELLA LURED HIM TO OUR SECRET HIDEOUT
ON TOP OF 'TAN AN TONE' ON QUEENS ROAD.
FOR THE SAFE RETURN OF THE ENDEARING
LOVEABLE RUNNING DOG OF THE CAPITALISTIC
PARASYTIC MAGGOTS THAT FEED ON THE ROTTING
UNDER BELLY OF A DECAYING SOCIETY OUR
DEMANDS MUST BE MET.
THEY ARE THREE IN NUMBER.
1) THE ABOLITION OF BRUSELL SPROUTS
2) A CASE OF WHITE LIGHTENING AND A SLEAVE
OF SUPERKINGS
3) THE RECLASSIFICATION OF MY COUSIN ROY
AS A POLITICAL PRISONER (he did rob the
Conservative club after all).
ALL POWER FROM THE
BARRELL OF A GUN
US
Friday 7 August 2009
Dear Mr O'Reilly,
I seen the Bachelors on tele last night and
I shouted Denise in.
'Denny' i said 'i bet Mr O'Reilly and his little
colleen are jigging round his living room
watching this....i bet he's waving his
shelaighlee about and singing 'Oh Danny
Boy'. I bet your mam's best spoons (that
George Formby ate jelly off) are going
forty to the dozen....too be sure'
We didn't half laugh till Denise told me
about the time her Uncle Bob told her to
play hide n seek and then he raped her
in the coal shed. Still what's been done
has been done.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. If that thieving low life Bert Weedon
hadn't have nailed me hat on with that
iffy guitar i'd have strummed along
meself. I'll tell you Mr O'Reilly his initials
may be BW but come the glorious day he
gets his.
I shouted Denise in.
'Denny' i said 'i bet Mr O'Reilly and his little
colleen are jigging round his living room
watching this....i bet he's waving his
shelaighlee about and singing 'Oh Danny
Boy'. I bet your mam's best spoons (that
George Formby ate jelly off) are going
forty to the dozen....too be sure'
We didn't half laugh till Denise told me
about the time her Uncle Bob told her to
play hide n seek and then he raped her
in the coal shed. Still what's been done
has been done.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. If that thieving low life Bert Weedon
hadn't have nailed me hat on with that
iffy guitar i'd have strummed along
meself. I'll tell you Mr O'Reilly his initials
may be BW but come the glorious day he
gets his.
Thursday 6 August 2009
Dear Mrs Fenton,
Firstly I thought you looked very becoming at the
Housing open day last Sunday.
That purple shell suit was you.
But what i write about is whales! Yes that's right
whales. I was watching you running the tombolla
stand and i got to thinking about whales. There's
a school of thought that believes that the most
intelligent life forms on Earth are whales and
dolphins. Well i for one don't subscribe to that
view. Okay whales can converse across oceans
but so can a man if he's got credit on his mobile
phone..
And dolphins can jump through hoops (Denise
has me doing that regular if i want my Friday
night frollic).
Bless she's sitting across from me as i type,
cigarette in her mouth, blowing smoke and
staring aimlessly at the wall (she should get a
job at Jodrell bank, they'd pay her for staring
into space).
But my point is that even Denise is cleverer
than any whale, dolphin or fish. Let's face it
at least Denise can use a tin opener.
No Mrs Fenton anyone that thinks Friday's
tea has more brains than the species that
invented everything from cats eyes to the
electric toaster is bloody potty
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. Possibly a little less foundation and
show a little more cleaveage
Housing open day last Sunday.
That purple shell suit was you.
But what i write about is whales! Yes that's right
whales. I was watching you running the tombolla
stand and i got to thinking about whales. There's
a school of thought that believes that the most
intelligent life forms on Earth are whales and
dolphins. Well i for one don't subscribe to that
view. Okay whales can converse across oceans
but so can a man if he's got credit on his mobile
phone..
And dolphins can jump through hoops (Denise
has me doing that regular if i want my Friday
night frollic).
Bless she's sitting across from me as i type,
cigarette in her mouth, blowing smoke and
staring aimlessly at the wall (she should get a
job at Jodrell bank, they'd pay her for staring
into space).
But my point is that even Denise is cleverer
than any whale, dolphin or fish. Let's face it
at least Denise can use a tin opener.
No Mrs Fenton anyone that thinks Friday's
tea has more brains than the species that
invented everything from cats eyes to the
electric toaster is bloody potty
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. Possibly a little less foundation and
show a little more cleaveage
Wednesday 5 August 2009
Dear Mrs Fenton,
I was in Beswick library availing myself of the new
housing plans regarding the refurbishment's due
to take place on our properties.
It would be simpler to forward these plans direct
to my house as only me and a cashiered surveyor
called McMullen ever read them (he's just done
three years for raping a Site Agent with a
theodalite)
And I noticed contained within these plans the
idea of replacing of all rear windows with French
windows.
NO Mrs Fenton!
My Grandfather spent four years in a French
prisoner of war camp (though Nana said it was
a brothel in Burlogyne). And as a practical
joke he sent a picture home of himself with his
left leg taped up his back and wrote that he'd
lost the leg parachuting out of a plane that had
bought one over Calais.
Nana believed every word of it, but the joke
was on Grandad, when he got home she'd
cut all the left legs off all his trousers.
But French windows?
Never I wont even let Denise wear French
knickers.
They are a nation of perverts. Take Maurice
Chevalier 'Thank Heaven For Little Girls', is
he on a register? he bloody well ought to be.
And Frogs and snails! They eat anything
that moves, crawls, laughs or sings. One of
their resteraunts must be like gardening
hour at a backward school
Think on.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
housing plans regarding the refurbishment's due
to take place on our properties.
It would be simpler to forward these plans direct
to my house as only me and a cashiered surveyor
called McMullen ever read them (he's just done
three years for raping a Site Agent with a
theodalite)
And I noticed contained within these plans the
idea of replacing of all rear windows with French
windows.
NO Mrs Fenton!
My Grandfather spent four years in a French
prisoner of war camp (though Nana said it was
a brothel in Burlogyne). And as a practical
joke he sent a picture home of himself with his
left leg taped up his back and wrote that he'd
lost the leg parachuting out of a plane that had
bought one over Calais.
Nana believed every word of it, but the joke
was on Grandad, when he got home she'd
cut all the left legs off all his trousers.
But French windows?
Never I wont even let Denise wear French
knickers.
They are a nation of perverts. Take Maurice
Chevalier 'Thank Heaven For Little Girls', is
he on a register? he bloody well ought to be.
And Frogs and snails! They eat anything
that moves, crawls, laughs or sings. One of
their resteraunts must be like gardening
hour at a backward school
Think on.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
Dear All,
I am now fully trained in the ancient martial
art of Tzu Kuwi. I can kill a man in four
seconds using only my bare hands. I have
sworn only to use my gift in certain
circumstances (these are three in number),
one in the defence of mankind, two the relief
of oppression and three if anybody turns
their back on me.
My teacher is the legendary Piang Kiang
Chiang (apparently his mother called him
after a load of knives falling off a table).
I travel everywhere by Yak always making
sure that i follow the old Tibetan tradition of
Vrishnu Kamran and eat before the Yak.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. Vrishnu Kamran means 'Sod you
Yak i'm alright'
art of Tzu Kuwi. I can kill a man in four
seconds using only my bare hands. I have
sworn only to use my gift in certain
circumstances (these are three in number),
one in the defence of mankind, two the relief
of oppression and three if anybody turns
their back on me.
My teacher is the legendary Piang Kiang
Chiang (apparently his mother called him
after a load of knives falling off a table).
I travel everywhere by Yak always making
sure that i follow the old Tibetan tradition of
Vrishnu Kamran and eat before the Yak.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. Vrishnu Kamran means 'Sod you
Yak i'm alright'
Tuesday 4 August 2009
Dear All,
Many apolgies for not writting much of late.
But I am at present recovering from a nasty
head injury.
Let me tell you it's the last time I do my
shoe laces up in a revolving door.
I was wondering would Mr O'Reilly lend me
nine pound?
I'll give him my guitar as collateral?
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. If Denise rings up tell Mr O'Relly not
to mention the nine quid. Better safe than
sorry
But I am at present recovering from a nasty
head injury.
Let me tell you it's the last time I do my
shoe laces up in a revolving door.
I was wondering would Mr O'Reilly lend me
nine pound?
I'll give him my guitar as collateral?
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. If Denise rings up tell Mr O'Relly not
to mention the nine quid. Better safe than
sorry
Monday 3 August 2009
Dear All,
As you can see by the postmark I am down South.
Yes I am in Hatings-On-Sea and I am here to fight
my legal case against the publishing company
that produces the book 'Play The Guitar in 5 Minutes'
by Bert Weedon.
What utter nonsense I gave it 13 minutes and at the
end I couldn't even do 'The Streets of London' or
'Have You got A Light Boy' by the Singing Postman.
I'll tell you that Bert Weedon must have been on a
weed. I mean I invested £3.99 in good faith. I was
expecting to be busking outside your offices the
same afternoon.
Let me tell you i have the finest minds that the legal
aid has got working for me. Yes the legendary
Barnum of the Bailey is my learned council and my
team of brief's are Pratt, Pratt, Pratt and Clifford
(I am represented by Mr Clifford- he is the biggest
pratt of them all)
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. I have two ideas what to do with my guitar,
one cut off the strings and use it as a frying pan or
two sell it Mr O'Reilly for his jigging.
As you can see by the postmark I am down South.
Yes I am in Hatings-On-Sea and I am here to fight
my legal case against the publishing company
that produces the book 'Play The Guitar in 5 Minutes'
by Bert Weedon.
What utter nonsense I gave it 13 minutes and at the
end I couldn't even do 'The Streets of London' or
'Have You got A Light Boy' by the Singing Postman.
I'll tell you that Bert Weedon must have been on a
weed. I mean I invested £3.99 in good faith. I was
expecting to be busking outside your offices the
same afternoon.
Let me tell you i have the finest minds that the legal
aid has got working for me. Yes the legendary
Barnum of the Bailey is my learned council and my
team of brief's are Pratt, Pratt, Pratt and Clifford
(I am represented by Mr Clifford- he is the biggest
pratt of them all)
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. I have two ideas what to do with my guitar,
one cut off the strings and use it as a frying pan or
two sell it Mr O'Reilly for his jigging.
Dr Mr O'Reilly,
A bit of insider information needed to help
me and Denise if you would please.
Lucky Heather? How do you tinkers know
which heather is lucky and which isn't?
And what is the legal position for suing the
Diddicoy that sold you the heather if the
heather proves to be unlucky?
And is there a time limit on when the luck
must happen in relation to the heather
purchased?
I realise this is a legal minefield an that
you paddy's can be very funny about
your culture but a little bit of advice
would be appreciated.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. Last time me and Denise were in
Belfast we took part in a charity race
for the Irk Ramblers Association.
Imagine the reaction we got on the
Shankhill Road with our 'Support the
IRA' T-Shirts
me and Denise if you would please.
Lucky Heather? How do you tinkers know
which heather is lucky and which isn't?
And what is the legal position for suing the
Diddicoy that sold you the heather if the
heather proves to be unlucky?
And is there a time limit on when the luck
must happen in relation to the heather
purchased?
I realise this is a legal minefield an that
you paddy's can be very funny about
your culture but a little bit of advice
would be appreciated.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. Last time me and Denise were in
Belfast we took part in a charity race
for the Irk Ramblers Association.
Imagine the reaction we got on the
Shankhill Road with our 'Support the
IRA' T-Shirts
Sunday 2 August 2009
Dear All,
Again I return to the area with my tail between
my legs. I have just been sacked as novelty
harmonica player in Billy Smart's circus. Okay
I had to play my H whilst being chased by
Charlie the Clown with a bucket full of custard,
but I don't mind suffering for my art.
Anyway two week into the tour and I am
understudying Bobo the high wire roller skating
dog (god that dog was a tempremental artiste).
And on the Tuesday Bobo is 100 ft above
Towyn pier when a wheel came off a hind leg
skate.
Picture the poor mutt hanging grimly onto the
high wire by his teeth, a stifled growl in his
tortured throat, his paws moving and clawing
frantically in the cold Towyn night air.
Then 'berfuckingclang' he plummeted to Earth
like a vase dropped off a verandah.
His fall luckily being halted by him landing on
the drunken knife throwers sequined assistant
Sheila Grimes and puncturing her left lung.
This catapulted me to the top of the bill (oh the
jealousy- the memory man pretended he'd
forgotten my name).
So as a result i started attracting the attention
of the women folk. And to be honest i was
missing the company of a woman and a good
hones shag.
And one night after a gig in abersoch (god i was
hot as buttered toast that night--i played 'The
Desert Song' on the harmonica whilst being
swed in half by tap dancing monkees).
Anyway i got drunk with the Lion tamer and
broke into the bearded ladies tent. Apparently
i looked down her cleavage and said 'i might
not be a ring master but i'll master your ring
.....show us your tits love...i like a big top'.
She complained an Billy Smart is an equal
oportunities employer (well apart from the
dwarfes). So he says 'Bernard that is no way
to treat a lady, not even a bearded one....
sorry son you're fired')
Oh well!!!!!
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
my legs. I have just been sacked as novelty
harmonica player in Billy Smart's circus. Okay
I had to play my H whilst being chased by
Charlie the Clown with a bucket full of custard,
but I don't mind suffering for my art.
Anyway two week into the tour and I am
understudying Bobo the high wire roller skating
dog (god that dog was a tempremental artiste).
And on the Tuesday Bobo is 100 ft above
Towyn pier when a wheel came off a hind leg
skate.
Picture the poor mutt hanging grimly onto the
high wire by his teeth, a stifled growl in his
tortured throat, his paws moving and clawing
frantically in the cold Towyn night air.
Then 'berfuckingclang' he plummeted to Earth
like a vase dropped off a verandah.
His fall luckily being halted by him landing on
the drunken knife throwers sequined assistant
Sheila Grimes and puncturing her left lung.
This catapulted me to the top of the bill (oh the
jealousy- the memory man pretended he'd
forgotten my name).
So as a result i started attracting the attention
of the women folk. And to be honest i was
missing the company of a woman and a good
hones shag.
And one night after a gig in abersoch (god i was
hot as buttered toast that night--i played 'The
Desert Song' on the harmonica whilst being
swed in half by tap dancing monkees).
Anyway i got drunk with the Lion tamer and
broke into the bearded ladies tent. Apparently
i looked down her cleavage and said 'i might
not be a ring master but i'll master your ring
.....show us your tits love...i like a big top'.
She complained an Billy Smart is an equal
oportunities employer (well apart from the
dwarfes). So he says 'Bernard that is no way
to treat a lady, not even a bearded one....
sorry son you're fired')
Oh well!!!!!
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
Dear All,
Just a short note inbetween trips to the khazi,
don't try that new Greek taverna on Beswick
precint. The Acropolis it is called, got pictures
outside of schishkebabs. Yeah well since me
an Denise dined there i've had the scishkebabs
and i've never bin off the acropolis.
She thought she'd be all fancy an order in Greek
she grabbed the menu and said 'I'll have a
pag-e-ni-ne'
The waiter took the menu and said 'that says
page nine love'
How embarressing.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. The beer was like making love on a canal
bank.....it was fucking close to water
don't try that new Greek taverna on Beswick
precint. The Acropolis it is called, got pictures
outside of schishkebabs. Yeah well since me
an Denise dined there i've had the scishkebabs
and i've never bin off the acropolis.
She thought she'd be all fancy an order in Greek
she grabbed the menu and said 'I'll have a
pag-e-ni-ne'
The waiter took the menu and said 'that says
page nine love'
How embarressing.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. The beer was like making love on a canal
bank.....it was fucking close to water
Saturday 1 August 2009
Dear Mr O'Reilly,
Denise says to tell you that whenever you
throw away old shoes that you should
always take out the laces and keep them.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. Is the jury still out on the cake issue?
throw away old shoes that you should
always take out the laces and keep them.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. Is the jury still out on the cake issue?
Friday 31 July 2009
Dear All,
Ding dong the wedding bells have rung!!!!
Yes I have married Denise.
It was a lovely Druid ceremony performed
at Stonehenge on the feast of the teathered
goat. The ceremony was conducted by the
first transexual priest the Reverand Gladys
Honeychild. It was just a small traditional
do, you know the kind of thing a toast in
lambs blood, the ritual sacrifice of a
hedgehog and the defiling of a young Ox.
Afterwards we formed a circle and chanted
for the Anti-Christ. It rained throughout
and a chapter of the Openshaw 'Death
Trip Dogs' Hells Angels turned up and
gang banged the best man.
So a good time was had by all.
The album is still at the photographers but
i'll send copies when they arrive
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S.....do you know anything good for
getting goats blood out of a cassock
(it was hired)
Yes I have married Denise.
It was a lovely Druid ceremony performed
at Stonehenge on the feast of the teathered
goat. The ceremony was conducted by the
first transexual priest the Reverand Gladys
Honeychild. It was just a small traditional
do, you know the kind of thing a toast in
lambs blood, the ritual sacrifice of a
hedgehog and the defiling of a young Ox.
Afterwards we formed a circle and chanted
for the Anti-Christ. It rained throughout
and a chapter of the Openshaw 'Death
Trip Dogs' Hells Angels turned up and
gang banged the best man.
So a good time was had by all.
The album is still at the photographers but
i'll send copies when they arrive
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S.....do you know anything good for
getting goats blood out of a cassock
(it was hired)
Dear Mr O'Reilly,
Denise's Mother passed away on thursday
please find enclosed her special spoons
(family legend has it that none other than
George Formby once ate jam off of one of
them). I hope you enjoy a good jig while
playing them
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S....Treat them kindly Mr O'reilly, as
Denise packed them she wept. One time
when she was seven she drank (for a
dare) a sip of her step-fathers home
brew and he took the belt to her and
then made her drink three pints of it
before locking her in a boiler cupboard.
It was there that her Mother found her
dehydrated and near to death. Denise
remembers waking up in hospital and
her Mother was there crying and
playin 'Dearest Daughter Mine' on her
spoons. And Denise's Mam never
trusted another man near her daughter
after that. She actually made me sleep
in an outside toilet when i was first
courting Denise. So nothin but memories
and some not so pleasent ones at that,
assotiated with those old faded spoons.
So enjoy
But hey chin up, i'll miss that old girl,
she had guts.
please find enclosed her special spoons
(family legend has it that none other than
George Formby once ate jam off of one of
them). I hope you enjoy a good jig while
playing them
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S....Treat them kindly Mr O'reilly, as
Denise packed them she wept. One time
when she was seven she drank (for a
dare) a sip of her step-fathers home
brew and he took the belt to her and
then made her drink three pints of it
before locking her in a boiler cupboard.
It was there that her Mother found her
dehydrated and near to death. Denise
remembers waking up in hospital and
her Mother was there crying and
playin 'Dearest Daughter Mine' on her
spoons. And Denise's Mam never
trusted another man near her daughter
after that. She actually made me sleep
in an outside toilet when i was first
courting Denise. So nothin but memories
and some not so pleasent ones at that,
assotiated with those old faded spoons.
So enjoy
But hey chin up, i'll miss that old girl,
she had guts.
Thursday 30 July 2009
Dear Mr O'Reilly,
I write to wish you happy St Patricks day. Not that
you'll be in work, be jasus an begorrargh. No to be
sure you'll have donned your funny green suit and
your wife will have put on her new green dress and
you'll have headed on down to the oirish bars in town.
No doubt you'll be buying drinks all round and doing
tricks.
Then it's all back to someone's caravan and a bit of
the old Val Doonican. Then you punch your best
mate cos he's giving your wife a leery look. Then
he hits you back and you look into each others eyes
and sure don't you remember growing tatties with
him in the old country. So you sling your arms
around each other. Then you slap your wife cos no
wonder Seamus is giving her a leery look what
with her showing her chest to half of conemarra.
And you make her put a shawl on. Then you sing
a mourneful ballad about a potato famine. Then it's
'Paddy McGinty's Goat' and everyone gets drunk
and you do your Frank Carson joke about a Cork
man breaking into Ladbrokes and losing £250.
Then it's more drink before heading off to mass
and then it's back to the oirish bars while the
women go home and get the tatties and cabbage
ready.
And you finish the night off with a knee trembler
down some back ginnell with Rosie from the
pound shop.
I tell you Mr O'Reailly i wish i was a Paddy likt
you
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S.....Denise was wondering whatt you did for
crisps during the potato famine? I said you
probably ate cheesy wot-sits
you'll be in work, be jasus an begorrargh. No to be
sure you'll have donned your funny green suit and
your wife will have put on her new green dress and
you'll have headed on down to the oirish bars in town.
No doubt you'll be buying drinks all round and doing
tricks.
Then it's all back to someone's caravan and a bit of
the old Val Doonican. Then you punch your best
mate cos he's giving your wife a leery look. Then
he hits you back and you look into each others eyes
and sure don't you remember growing tatties with
him in the old country. So you sling your arms
around each other. Then you slap your wife cos no
wonder Seamus is giving her a leery look what
with her showing her chest to half of conemarra.
And you make her put a shawl on. Then you sing
a mourneful ballad about a potato famine. Then it's
'Paddy McGinty's Goat' and everyone gets drunk
and you do your Frank Carson joke about a Cork
man breaking into Ladbrokes and losing £250.
Then it's more drink before heading off to mass
and then it's back to the oirish bars while the
women go home and get the tatties and cabbage
ready.
And you finish the night off with a knee trembler
down some back ginnell with Rosie from the
pound shop.
I tell you Mr O'Reailly i wish i was a Paddy likt
you
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S.....Denise was wondering whatt you did for
crisps during the potato famine? I said you
probably ate cheesy wot-sits
Dear Mrs Fenton,
I am having a lazy day.
You know the sort, the 10 o'clock weed
still aint been rolled and it's a quarter to
twelve.
Picture me, if you will, lay on the Chesterfield
we got on the drip off Greek Eammon on
Grey Mare Lane Market (next to Bob the
curtain man). Clad only in my socks and
wearing my Kaftkhan, eating a bucket of
chips left over from last nights happy meal
(happy?....one's never made me happy).
when a thought comes to me.
You know how you have 'paternity leave'.
Well what about 'fraternity leave'?
A fortnight a year when an housing officer
stays at a tenants gaff on their patch
(Mrs Naylor stays in a house on Mayton
Close, Miss Wharton on Edirh Cavell close
and Mr Thomas on Hopedale)
Mr O'Reilly could get his head down on
my couch, the dogs wont mind.
The tenant chosen could live two weeks
rent free.
Hey let me know.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. For all of eternity you are my fraternity
(i don't mind turnin the duvet back for a
woman of your stature Mrs Fenton)
You know the sort, the 10 o'clock weed
still aint been rolled and it's a quarter to
twelve.
Picture me, if you will, lay on the Chesterfield
we got on the drip off Greek Eammon on
Grey Mare Lane Market (next to Bob the
curtain man). Clad only in my socks and
wearing my Kaftkhan, eating a bucket of
chips left over from last nights happy meal
(happy?....one's never made me happy).
when a thought comes to me.
You know how you have 'paternity leave'.
Well what about 'fraternity leave'?
A fortnight a year when an housing officer
stays at a tenants gaff on their patch
(Mrs Naylor stays in a house on Mayton
Close, Miss Wharton on Edirh Cavell close
and Mr Thomas on Hopedale)
Mr O'Reilly could get his head down on
my couch, the dogs wont mind.
The tenant chosen could live two weeks
rent free.
Hey let me know.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. For all of eternity you are my fraternity
(i don't mind turnin the duvet back for a
woman of your stature Mrs Fenton)
Wednesday 29 July 2009
Dear All,
please excuse the wobbly handwriting as I am
writing with my left hand. I severed an artery
in my right affecting an entry into my abode.
Me and Denise had been to a 'play your cards
right' at the Burnig Bush Church, and we'd
stopped a few going rotten.
Well to cut a long story short I couldn't find me
key. 'No problem' I thought and booted in the
lower door casing (which reminds me, put me
down for a door splice), but to no avail. So I
decided to straight aim the arm lock but alas
my aim was awry and i accidentaly panned
the window in, causing the aforementioned
lacerations.
An i staggered back blood spurting from my
wrist like water out of a whale's blowhole.
I watched it cascade down onto the torso
of a snowman that me son Everton had
started building but lost interest in (if that
aint an alegory for relaxed parenting then
I don't know what is)
And as the blood dripped aimlessley down
the mound of crushed and bonded snow I
was reminded of a giant ice-cream, the
blood being raspberry sauce an a dog
turd for a flake. And I thought 'this is art
proper art, real art, This aint no un-made
bed....they are a way of life in our house
...no this is real life' .
Anyway could you please send a glazier
round.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
writing with my left hand. I severed an artery
in my right affecting an entry into my abode.
Me and Denise had been to a 'play your cards
right' at the Burnig Bush Church, and we'd
stopped a few going rotten.
Well to cut a long story short I couldn't find me
key. 'No problem' I thought and booted in the
lower door casing (which reminds me, put me
down for a door splice), but to no avail. So I
decided to straight aim the arm lock but alas
my aim was awry and i accidentaly panned
the window in, causing the aforementioned
lacerations.
An i staggered back blood spurting from my
wrist like water out of a whale's blowhole.
I watched it cascade down onto the torso
of a snowman that me son Everton had
started building but lost interest in (if that
aint an alegory for relaxed parenting then
I don't know what is)
And as the blood dripped aimlessley down
the mound of crushed and bonded snow I
was reminded of a giant ice-cream, the
blood being raspberry sauce an a dog
turd for a flake. And I thought 'this is art
proper art, real art, This aint no un-made
bed....they are a way of life in our house
...no this is real life' .
Anyway could you please send a glazier
round.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
Tuesday 28 July 2009
Dear Mr O'Reilly,
What a morning!!!!!!!
I've been trying to put together an MFI
wardrobe since the crack of dawn (half
ten) and on top of that Denise is on
the warpath, one of the kids has threw
a milk bottle off a verandah and hit a
cat (the rspca are pokin their snotters
in as i write), the runt of the litter has
died an Everton has microwaved it,
Radio Rentals have taken back the telly
and me giro's not come.
And you Paddies think that you've got
troubles
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
I've been trying to put together an MFI
wardrobe since the crack of dawn (half
ten) and on top of that Denise is on
the warpath, one of the kids has threw
a milk bottle off a verandah and hit a
cat (the rspca are pokin their snotters
in as i write), the runt of the litter has
died an Everton has microwaved it,
Radio Rentals have taken back the telly
and me giro's not come.
And you Paddies think that you've got
troubles
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
Monday 27 July 2009
Dear Mrs Fenton,
I feel I must write to admonish you in the
severest terms. Yesterday I got out of bed
to watch the 3.10 from kempton ended
putting the film channel on and finished up
watching the 3.10 from yuma.
As I rolled a weed during the break I
noticed a letter from your good selves.
'Aye up the new bog must be in stock'
I thought.
But no, it was a County Court summons
for non payment of rent arrears.
Now let me explain mine and Denise's
fiscal policy. Once a month i get all my
debts together and put all the names of
those I owe in a hat and pick one out.
The one that gets picked out gets paid.
And if you don't stop sending mithering
letters then this month your name wont
even go into the hat.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. Are you married?
severest terms. Yesterday I got out of bed
to watch the 3.10 from kempton ended
putting the film channel on and finished up
watching the 3.10 from yuma.
As I rolled a weed during the break I
noticed a letter from your good selves.
'Aye up the new bog must be in stock'
I thought.
But no, it was a County Court summons
for non payment of rent arrears.
Now let me explain mine and Denise's
fiscal policy. Once a month i get all my
debts together and put all the names of
those I owe in a hat and pick one out.
The one that gets picked out gets paid.
And if you don't stop sending mithering
letters then this month your name wont
even go into the hat.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. Are you married?
Sunday 26 July 2009
Dear Mr O'Reilly,
Rome wasn't built in a day but it was
burnt in one. I don't want to rush you
but Denise's patience is wearing a bit
thin on the cake front.
It's that time of month and the fleet's
flying the red flag. Reminds me of the
post natal depression I suffered (she
might have had it but it was me as
did the suffering. She pushed me
down the stairs and microwaved me
Spandeau Ballet vinyl's. The incident
with the paper girl didn't help but
that's all gin through the optic now.
And of late i've been makin more
bloody sacrifices than a practising
satanist.
So man to man Mr Reilly can't you
just say treacle sponge and be done
with it?
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
burnt in one. I don't want to rush you
but Denise's patience is wearing a bit
thin on the cake front.
It's that time of month and the fleet's
flying the red flag. Reminds me of the
post natal depression I suffered (she
might have had it but it was me as
did the suffering. She pushed me
down the stairs and microwaved me
Spandeau Ballet vinyl's. The incident
with the paper girl didn't help but
that's all gin through the optic now.
And of late i've been makin more
bloody sacrifices than a practising
satanist.
So man to man Mr Reilly can't you
just say treacle sponge and be done
with it?
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
Saturday 25 July 2009
Dear Mrs Fenton,
just a few lines to let you know that
Mitzi the whippet bitch has whelped.
Seven bouncing,healthy, robust little
pups and a runt that we've called O'Reilly
after the man himself, she's got
Mr O'Reilly's eyes).
You may remember Mitzi from the
enertainment chanell's 'Britains Daftest
Dogs', Mitzi was the one with a pickle
jar stuck on her head.
The births were a traumatic affair
Mitzi tried to eat four of them and
then refused to suckle the runt.
Luckily Denise was on hand to be a
surrogate Mother. I don't mind sayin
it made me all broody watching
Denise clutch a new born to her
well used ample bosum.
It's all on video camera, but
anyway could you place the following
card in the Housing Office window
'DOGS FOR SALE
PART WHIPPET
£30 EACH
OR TWO FOR
FIFTY QUID
APPLY
MR O'REILLY
The pick of the litter's yours
Mrs Fenton and that runts got
Mr O'Reilly's name on it
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
Mitzi the whippet bitch has whelped.
Seven bouncing,healthy, robust little
pups and a runt that we've called O'Reilly
after the man himself, she's got
Mr O'Reilly's eyes).
You may remember Mitzi from the
enertainment chanell's 'Britains Daftest
Dogs', Mitzi was the one with a pickle
jar stuck on her head.
The births were a traumatic affair
Mitzi tried to eat four of them and
then refused to suckle the runt.
Luckily Denise was on hand to be a
surrogate Mother. I don't mind sayin
it made me all broody watching
Denise clutch a new born to her
well used ample bosum.
It's all on video camera, but
anyway could you place the following
card in the Housing Office window
'DOGS FOR SALE
PART WHIPPET
£30 EACH
OR TWO FOR
FIFTY QUID
APPLY
MR O'REILLY
The pick of the litter's yours
Mrs Fenton and that runts got
Mr O'Reilly's name on it
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
Dear All,
Sorry i've not been in touch so much of late.
But a week last thursday as i left the Big
Bradord i was sucked into a time warp and
kidnapped by aliens. They took me in a nano
second to the planet Kraygon, where they
were intent in using me for breeding purposes.
I said 'never mind that sperm machine, it looks
like something Andy Sugden would use to milk
cows. No just line up them Venusian babes'
Anyway what i write to tell you is, beware the
one known as Mrs Carr. She is a Tharg from
the planet Trixon. She has taken human form
but on her planet she is shaped like an old
clothes mangle (not a lot of difference there
then).
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. If you're ever on Trixon bear in mind their
penis's are shaped like small hands and are
situated on top of their heads. DO NOT, i repeat
DO NOT attemt to shake hands. Unless you want
to spend from now till Bolton Wanderers win
something in suspended animation
But a week last thursday as i left the Big
Bradord i was sucked into a time warp and
kidnapped by aliens. They took me in a nano
second to the planet Kraygon, where they
were intent in using me for breeding purposes.
I said 'never mind that sperm machine, it looks
like something Andy Sugden would use to milk
cows. No just line up them Venusian babes'
Anyway what i write to tell you is, beware the
one known as Mrs Carr. She is a Tharg from
the planet Trixon. She has taken human form
but on her planet she is shaped like an old
clothes mangle (not a lot of difference there
then).
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. If you're ever on Trixon bear in mind their
penis's are shaped like small hands and are
situated on top of their heads. DO NOT, i repeat
DO NOT attemt to shake hands. Unless you want
to spend from now till Bolton Wanderers win
something in suspended animation
Friday 24 July 2009
Dear All,
A new initiative hit me whilst watchin
the Jeremy Kyle show (there's always
someone worse off than yourself).
And I have decided to do a nationwide
tour with me mobile disco caravanette
I bill myself as:
Brother Bernard
Parson of Pop
Bishop of Bop
Father of Funk
Padre of Punk
It looks ace on the side of me caravan.
What did George Bernard Shaw say 'music
is the brandy of the damned'
Well I have heard the sultry machinations
of Satan in the music of the Bay City
Rollers and that Lulu she is in league
with Beelzebub if you ask me.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. Anyone know what rhymes with
Rabi of Reggae?
the Jeremy Kyle show (there's always
someone worse off than yourself).
And I have decided to do a nationwide
tour with me mobile disco caravanette
I bill myself as:
Brother Bernard
Parson of Pop
Bishop of Bop
Father of Funk
Padre of Punk
It looks ace on the side of me caravan.
What did George Bernard Shaw say 'music
is the brandy of the damned'
Well I have heard the sultry machinations
of Satan in the music of the Bay City
Rollers and that Lulu she is in league
with Beelzebub if you ask me.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. Anyone know what rhymes with
Rabi of Reggae?
Dear Mr O'Reilly,
Denise has asked me to write in and let
you know that her Mother used to play
the spoons at parties. We all know that
you Paddies like a jig or two with your
Guiness.
'Bernard' she said 'they get a bad press
do them Irish but when all is said and
done it was Mr O'Reilly who got us that
new alliminum kitchen sink and it's him
as will get us a new toilet seat'
'Aye' i said 'we must forgive them that
evil organisation that blighted the good
name of Ireland for so long'
'Who's was that?' she enquired
'The Nolan Sisters' I replied
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
you know that her Mother used to play
the spoons at parties. We all know that
you Paddies like a jig or two with your
Guiness.
'Bernard' she said 'they get a bad press
do them Irish but when all is said and
done it was Mr O'Reilly who got us that
new alliminum kitchen sink and it's him
as will get us a new toilet seat'
'Aye' i said 'we must forgive them that
evil organisation that blighted the good
name of Ireland for so long'
'Who's was that?' she enquired
'The Nolan Sisters' I replied
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
Thursday 23 July 2009
Dear Mr O'Reilly,
My Denise told me to write in an tell you that she
is 'as happy as Gary Glitter stuck in a lift with
the St Winifred's school choir'. Yes oh yes oh yes
the new aliminium sink has arrived and is fitted
(between me and you the old one is in Moore's
Metals).
The new one is the buisness, just the right height
for a bit of late night pot washing, if you get my
drift. You're a man of the world Mr O'Reilly when
nature calls and that we've all got to answer.
Mind back in the old country it's a shovel and a
hole. Not knocking the old ways but when i've got a
jumbo in the departure lounge i need more
than this window box to have a dump in. No
there's a lot to be said for western civilisation and
an infra structure that does away with a bucket
under the bed.
Anyway me and Denise are just waiting for the
glue to dry on the flashback tiling and then we
are going to christan the sink
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. Is Mrs Fenton an Aries?
is 'as happy as Gary Glitter stuck in a lift with
the St Winifred's school choir'. Yes oh yes oh yes
the new aliminium sink has arrived and is fitted
(between me and you the old one is in Moore's
Metals).
The new one is the buisness, just the right height
for a bit of late night pot washing, if you get my
drift. You're a man of the world Mr O'Reilly when
nature calls and that we've all got to answer.
Mind back in the old country it's a shovel and a
hole. Not knocking the old ways but when i've got a
jumbo in the departure lounge i need more
than this window box to have a dump in. No
there's a lot to be said for western civilisation and
an infra structure that does away with a bucket
under the bed.
Anyway me and Denise are just waiting for the
glue to dry on the flashback tiling and then we
are going to christan the sink
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. Is Mrs Fenton an Aries?
Dear All,
Festive greetings.
We're doing a traditional nativity play at the
Beswick Branch of the Church of the Burning Bush
this year. It wasn't easy to cast as three wise men
and a virgin are a bit thin on the ground round
here (definition of a virgin in Beswick is any 12
year old that can out run her Dad).
We got round the problem by changing the
characterisation of the three wise men to the
three smart arses and Audrey Davenport has
agreed to play the virgin from memory
(apparently she has a very good one).
We've had a bit of bad luck at the Silent
Brothers of Clayton Bridge monestry- it burnt
down. Brother Retford Bwandigwi didn't dimp
a herbal properly and it went up like a cardboard
poker. It took the fire brigade three hours to
arrive mainly due to the fact that the silent
brothers sent for them via semiphore. I got the
signals wrong and ordered a pizza.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S......In a mood of Christian fellowship I plan
to visit Prestwich pysciatric hospital and paint
'God rest ye Bury mentlemen' on the wall
outside
We're doing a traditional nativity play at the
Beswick Branch of the Church of the Burning Bush
this year. It wasn't easy to cast as three wise men
and a virgin are a bit thin on the ground round
here (definition of a virgin in Beswick is any 12
year old that can out run her Dad).
We got round the problem by changing the
characterisation of the three wise men to the
three smart arses and Audrey Davenport has
agreed to play the virgin from memory
(apparently she has a very good one).
We've had a bit of bad luck at the Silent
Brothers of Clayton Bridge monestry- it burnt
down. Brother Retford Bwandigwi didn't dimp
a herbal properly and it went up like a cardboard
poker. It took the fire brigade three hours to
arrive mainly due to the fact that the silent
brothers sent for them via semiphore. I got the
signals wrong and ordered a pizza.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S......In a mood of Christian fellowship I plan
to visit Prestwich pysciatric hospital and paint
'God rest ye Bury mentlemen' on the wall
outside
Wednesday 22 July 2009
Dear All,
What's in a name?
The police from Grey Mare lane station have
just been round and confiscated my computer
All a misunderstanding really, i was attempting
to improve my knowledge on child prodigy's
with particular interest in virtuoso violinists.
So i googled 'kiddy fiddlers'. God what a can
of worms that opened.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
The police from Grey Mare lane station have
just been round and confiscated my computer
All a misunderstanding really, i was attempting
to improve my knowledge on child prodigy's
with particular interest in virtuoso violinists.
So i googled 'kiddy fiddlers'. God what a can
of worms that opened.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
Dear Mr Coyle,
there's a cake night at Mrs Carr's
thursday the nineteenth. Dress
optional
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
thursday the nineteenth. Dress
optional
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
Tuesday 21 July 2009
Dear All,
I must complain in the strongest terms
about an incident that occured in your
office on tuesday.
I overheard your Mr Geoff Townley say
on the phone 'Hi this is Geoff Love'
Now i'm not against a chap using deception
to obtain a precunary advantage. I once
assumed the role of a bogus doctor in a
girl's school myself, but pretending to be
an enmaciated dead ex band leader, well
that's just sick.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
about an incident that occured in your
office on tuesday.
I overheard your Mr Geoff Townley say
on the phone 'Hi this is Geoff Love'
Now i'm not against a chap using deception
to obtain a precunary advantage. I once
assumed the role of a bogus doctor in a
girl's school myself, but pretending to be
an enmaciated dead ex band leader, well
that's just sick.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
Monday 20 July 2009
Dear All,
I've just been ejected from a 53 to Brooks Bar!!!!
And my crime? I lit a dimp no bigger than a dwarf's
penis.
'Oye' said the driver 'Off'
'the same to you' I said 'Only with fuck before it'.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
And my crime? I lit a dimp no bigger than a dwarf's
penis.
'Oye' said the driver 'Off'
'the same to you' I said 'Only with fuck before it'.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
Dear Mr O'Reilly,
I feel honour bound to write in and give
you the benefit of the only advice my father
gave to me before he left with me Aunty
Betty.
'Son' he said 'don't stick sharp things
down your ear. The ear is a very sensitive
organ and the key to both hearing and
balance and as a consequence is full
of delicate fragile bones. So unless you
want to walk like a Collyhurst drunk
don't waggle that pen in that lughole'
It would have made more sense had
he not already have perferated my
left ear drum with a wayward tin of out
of date spam.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
you the benefit of the only advice my father
gave to me before he left with me Aunty
Betty.
'Son' he said 'don't stick sharp things
down your ear. The ear is a very sensitive
organ and the key to both hearing and
balance and as a consequence is full
of delicate fragile bones. So unless you
want to walk like a Collyhurst drunk
don't waggle that pen in that lughole'
It would have made more sense had
he not already have perferated my
left ear drum with a wayward tin of out
of date spam.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
Sunday 19 July 2009
Dear Mrs Fenton,
please find enclosed my entry form for
the 'Beswick Betjemen Poetry Competition'
sponsered by the 'Grab-A-Bite Cafe'.
It is of a simple metre.
Fingers crossed here it is
Housing receptionist with your face in a tannoy
voice grating like knives. Do you try to annoy?
with your low cut top showing next weeks washing
red lip sticked mouth that ud give a good noshing
an your skirt up your arse accentuating your bum
an nipples as large as a blind cobblers thumb
makin me queue behind pregnant women an babies
an pulling a fucking face like i got scabies
your living depends on the rent from my flat
so start fucking smiling you stuck up tarty twat
please excuse my French Mrs Fenton but
the mood of the moment overtook me.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. Please tell Fat Janice on reception
that it's nothing personal
the 'Beswick Betjemen Poetry Competition'
sponsered by the 'Grab-A-Bite Cafe'.
It is of a simple metre.
Fingers crossed here it is
Housing receptionist with your face in a tannoy
voice grating like knives. Do you try to annoy?
with your low cut top showing next weeks washing
red lip sticked mouth that ud give a good noshing
an your skirt up your arse accentuating your bum
an nipples as large as a blind cobblers thumb
makin me queue behind pregnant women an babies
an pulling a fucking face like i got scabies
your living depends on the rent from my flat
so start fucking smiling you stuck up tarty twat
please excuse my French Mrs Fenton but
the mood of the moment overtook me.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. Please tell Fat Janice on reception
that it's nothing personal
Saturday 18 July 2009
Dear All,
I write to tell you about a commune
i have started on the Island on Heaton
Park boating lake. We are 20 in number
(counting me 11 whippets and 7 kids....
...or is it 11 kids and 7 whippets?).
Our aim is to foster a society without
work or money (the money bit aint
easy cos the man in the boathouse
charges me 60p every time i enter
or leave the island.
Our name is the Beswick Brothers
for the Foundation of Fellowship
within the Cosmic Christ, and we
survive on pike soup, bat pate and
wild truffles (nobody knows the
truffles i've seen).
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S....Do you think the Sociol
will give me a crisis loan for a
paddle boat?
i have started on the Island on Heaton
Park boating lake. We are 20 in number
(counting me 11 whippets and 7 kids....
...or is it 11 kids and 7 whippets?).
Our aim is to foster a society without
work or money (the money bit aint
easy cos the man in the boathouse
charges me 60p every time i enter
or leave the island.
Our name is the Beswick Brothers
for the Foundation of Fellowship
within the Cosmic Christ, and we
survive on pike soup, bat pate and
wild truffles (nobody knows the
truffles i've seen).
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S....Do you think the Sociol
will give me a crisis loan for a
paddle boat?
Tuesday 14 July 2009
Dear Mr O'Reilly,
Any news on the cake front?
Denise says you probably don't have
them in the old country.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
Denise says you probably don't have
them in the old country.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
Dear All,
Sorry i haven't written earlir but i have
been the victim of an injustice that
rivals the Guilford four, Jackson five
and Birmingham six. I am the Beswick
one. Wrongly jailed for possession of
an illegal substance (i thought it was
icing sugar when i bought it).
Incarcerated in a Dickensian prison
(which reminds me if you're in over
christmas don't offer to play the female
lead in panto). Forced to endure a
degradin dtrip search (Doctor? more
like a soil anaylist the length of time
he spent on me dirt box).
Made to share a cell the size of a
billiard table with two hard bitten phyco's
from the wrong side of the tracks. My
dazzling good looks a curse to my every
waking moment, till Big Jake took me
under his wing (if you give Jake a
thousand pound he'll kill a man an if you
give him two grand then you get to
choose who).
Every thursday the horrible futile terror
of another visit from lord longford.
The silent empty days countin the hours
Staring at the barbaric bars. The clang
of the wrought iron doors echoing down
the lonely forgotten corridoors. The bare
aching brick and rotten mortar. The
haunted screams in the night as men
grapple with their conscience and try to
come to terms with their soul. The
despairing rays of another meaningless
morning. The shrill hollow laugh of
the jailer as he un-locks the door and
shouts 'slop out', neatly placing a razor
blade on the table. A razor blade that
could take your worthless life and give
you the equalising pleasure of a certain
death. Death a state that would stop you
thinking about the hurt. The hurt your
loved ones feel. The hurt that rips at
your innards till you're not a man
anymore. Till you're nothing. Till you're
wasted, weary and worn. Till you're
battered, beaten and bewildrered. Till
you want to hold those cold bars and
push your head against the
uncomprimising bleakness and yell
'I am a man. I am a man. You can't
take away my individuality. You can't
crush my persona on the hard wheel
of your system. I will still hold my head
up high because I AM A MAN'
I'll tell you the worst seven days of my
life
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
been the victim of an injustice that
rivals the Guilford four, Jackson five
and Birmingham six. I am the Beswick
one. Wrongly jailed for possession of
an illegal substance (i thought it was
icing sugar when i bought it).
Incarcerated in a Dickensian prison
(which reminds me if you're in over
christmas don't offer to play the female
lead in panto). Forced to endure a
degradin dtrip search (Doctor? more
like a soil anaylist the length of time
he spent on me dirt box).
Made to share a cell the size of a
billiard table with two hard bitten phyco's
from the wrong side of the tracks. My
dazzling good looks a curse to my every
waking moment, till Big Jake took me
under his wing (if you give Jake a
thousand pound he'll kill a man an if you
give him two grand then you get to
choose who).
Every thursday the horrible futile terror
of another visit from lord longford.
The silent empty days countin the hours
Staring at the barbaric bars. The clang
of the wrought iron doors echoing down
the lonely forgotten corridoors. The bare
aching brick and rotten mortar. The
haunted screams in the night as men
grapple with their conscience and try to
come to terms with their soul. The
despairing rays of another meaningless
morning. The shrill hollow laugh of
the jailer as he un-locks the door and
shouts 'slop out', neatly placing a razor
blade on the table. A razor blade that
could take your worthless life and give
you the equalising pleasure of a certain
death. Death a state that would stop you
thinking about the hurt. The hurt your
loved ones feel. The hurt that rips at
your innards till you're not a man
anymore. Till you're nothing. Till you're
wasted, weary and worn. Till you're
battered, beaten and bewildrered. Till
you want to hold those cold bars and
push your head against the
uncomprimising bleakness and yell
'I am a man. I am a man. You can't
take away my individuality. You can't
crush my persona on the hard wheel
of your system. I will still hold my head
up high because I AM A MAN'
I'll tell you the worst seven days of my
life
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
Dear all,
Tis with great shame i write. I have just returned from Benidorm where one night drunk on the bigio berrio's i had a tattoo done. It was supposed to be just a simple tatto sayin 'I LOVE DENISE' in three inch letters across my chest enblazone on a background of a ram runnin rampant.
However second day of sunbathin an i noticed the ink had ran on the D an the second E hadn't taken. God was I embarresed! there i was lyin in me speedo's on the beach with 'I LOVE PENIS' tattooed on me chest.
That lifeguard was over friendly
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
However second day of sunbathin an i noticed the ink had ran on the D an the second E hadn't taken. God was I embarresed! there i was lyin in me speedo's on the beach with 'I LOVE PENIS' tattooed on me chest.
That lifeguard was over friendly
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
Dear Mrs Fenton,
I must appologise most profusely for my
non court attendence of the fiftheeth inst.
Unfortunatly the summons arrived somali
side up and i couldn't make head nor tail
of it. It was only a chance meeting in
in the back entry with Mrs Abbadugabi
that put me wide. I was putting out me
bin and she was slaughtering a neutered
goat.
'Bernard you soft eighpeth' she said
'you shuda bin there on the 15th'
So if you could re-arrange the court
date, not tuesday's that's darts.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
non court attendence of the fiftheeth inst.
Unfortunatly the summons arrived somali
side up and i couldn't make head nor tail
of it. It was only a chance meeting in
in the back entry with Mrs Abbadugabi
that put me wide. I was putting out me
bin and she was slaughtering a neutered
goat.
'Bernard you soft eighpeth' she said
'you shuda bin there on the 15th'
So if you could re-arrange the court
date, not tuesday's that's darts.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
Monday 13 July 2009
Dear Mrs Fenton,
I really must complain about the upstairs
radiator in my bedroom not only is it impossible
to turn off but it makes a sound like a pig being
buggered (i worked at the abotoir, so i know
what i'm talking about).
Also the heat has been causing me severe
dehydration, this morning i woke up with
my throat as dry as mother theresa's love
tunnel.
The heat is so bad that i lie nude on top of my
bed, if you don't believe me call round, the key
is under the car battery on my step.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
radiator in my bedroom not only is it impossible
to turn off but it makes a sound like a pig being
buggered (i worked at the abotoir, so i know
what i'm talking about).
Also the heat has been causing me severe
dehydration, this morning i woke up with
my throat as dry as mother theresa's love
tunnel.
The heat is so bad that i lie nude on top of my
bed, if you don't believe me call round, the key
is under the car battery on my step.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
Dear All,
I have had a blinding revelation. The Holy Ghost
appeared to me in the vault of the big Bradford.
The apocalypse is at hand Beswick and Clayton
are to be twinned with Soddam and Gomorrah.
The rivers will rise up and the mountains touch
the ground.
Only people with the initials BW will survive. I
shall be King over the Bed Wetters, Bolton
Wanderers conquer Europe and Bill Wyman
gets to shag as many Battered Wives as he can
shake a stick at.
LOVE AND PEAACE
BERNARD WILSON
appeared to me in the vault of the big Bradford.
The apocalypse is at hand Beswick and Clayton
are to be twinned with Soddam and Gomorrah.
The rivers will rise up and the mountains touch
the ground.
Only people with the initials BW will survive. I
shall be King over the Bed Wetters, Bolton
Wanderers conquer Europe and Bill Wyman
gets to shag as many Battered Wives as he can
shake a stick at.
LOVE AND PEAACE
BERNARD WILSON
Dear Mr O'Reilly,
Must tell you of an exciting new tenants
initiative Tenants In Debt Against Racism
We meet once a month at Mrs Carr's
house. Frank Davis does the vollivants; big
leroy does a poetry reading and Audrey
Davenport does her celebrated dance of
the seven army surplus war tarpoliums
Maureen O'Bungingwi is our president.
Our aim is to foster world peace and
international harmony while bumping
off licences
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
DEBTOR'S AGAINST THE DEVIL
BUMPERS AGAINST BEELZEEBUB
initiative Tenants In Debt Against Racism
We meet once a month at Mrs Carr's
house. Frank Davis does the vollivants; big
leroy does a poetry reading and Audrey
Davenport does her celebrated dance of
the seven army surplus war tarpoliums
Maureen O'Bungingwi is our president.
Our aim is to foster world peace and
international harmony while bumping
off licences
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
DEBTOR'S AGAINST THE DEVIL
BUMPERS AGAINST BEELZEEBUB
Sunday 12 July 2009
Dear Mr O'Reilly,
I am back in the area and i am writing to ask
can i make some general improvements to
my home?
My number one priority is to chop up me
kitchen units an make me whippets an all
weather kennel. I would also like to take off
all the internal doors and make a pigeon loft.
I could also do with four gallon of light blue
paint to paint the back yard. This may not
look like an improvement to the naked eye
but i can assure you when viewed from a
plane it gives the impression of an outside
swimming pool.
I also note from my nocturnal wanderings
tht No25 haven't converted their loft, so
i thought pre-empt them and knock through
(he who dares wins as it says in the highway
code). I would create ample room for an
indoors bowls pitch.
Seven rolls of roof felt would serve as the
green
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
(JOGGIN FOR JESUS
SURFIN AGAINST SIN)
can i make some general improvements to
my home?
My number one priority is to chop up me
kitchen units an make me whippets an all
weather kennel. I would also like to take off
all the internal doors and make a pigeon loft.
I could also do with four gallon of light blue
paint to paint the back yard. This may not
look like an improvement to the naked eye
but i can assure you when viewed from a
plane it gives the impression of an outside
swimming pool.
I also note from my nocturnal wanderings
tht No25 haven't converted their loft, so
i thought pre-empt them and knock through
(he who dares wins as it says in the highway
code). I would create ample room for an
indoors bowls pitch.
Seven rolls of roof felt would serve as the
green
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
(JOGGIN FOR JESUS
SURFIN AGAINST SIN)
Dear Mr O'Reilly,
Me and my Denise were watchin a
programme on channel four about
the male sperm. In it it said that to be
born your dad's sperm had to win a race
against fifty million other sperms to fertilise
the egg. If this is so how come fat people
have babies? Surely their sperms
couldn't win no race.
Denise said write in and ask you, she said
'they bog trotters know lots of things'
So if you could word me to the wise
i'd appreciate it. I wouldn't want to be
making a fool of meself if it came up on
darts night in the big Bradford
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
programme on channel four about
the male sperm. In it it said that to be
born your dad's sperm had to win a race
against fifty million other sperms to fertilise
the egg. If this is so how come fat people
have babies? Surely their sperms
couldn't win no race.
Denise said write in and ask you, she said
'they bog trotters know lots of things'
So if you could word me to the wise
i'd appreciate it. I wouldn't want to be
making a fool of meself if it came up on
darts night in the big Bradford
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
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