Dear Mrs Fenton,

just a few lines to let you know that
Mitzi the whippet bitch has whelped.
Seven bouncing,healthy, robust little
pups and a runt that we've called O'Reilly
after the man himself, she's got
Mr O'Reilly's eyes).
You may remember Mitzi from the
enertainment chanell's 'Britains Daftest
Dogs', Mitzi was the one with a pickle
jar stuck on her head.
The births were a traumatic affair
Mitzi tried to eat four of them and
then refused to suckle the runt.
Luckily Denise was on hand to be a
surrogate Mother. I don't mind sayin
it made me all broody watching
Denise clutch a new born to her
well used ample bosum.
It's all on video camera, but
anyway could you place the following
card in the Housing Office window

'DOGS FOR SALE
PART WHIPPET
£30 EACH
OR TWO FOR
FIFTY QUID
APPLY
MR O'REILLY

The pick of the litter's yours
Mrs Fenton and that runts got
Mr O'Reilly's name on it
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

Dear All,

Sorry i've not been in touch so much of late.
But a week last thursday as i left the Big
Bradord i was sucked into a time warp and
kidnapped by aliens. They took me in a nano
second to the planet Kraygon, where they
were intent in using me for breeding purposes.
I said 'never mind that sperm machine, it looks
like something Andy Sugden would use to milk
cows. No just line up them Venusian babes'
Anyway what i write to tell you is, beware the
one known as Mrs Carr. She is a Tharg from
the planet Trixon. She has taken human form
but on her planet she is shaped like an old
clothes mangle (not a lot of difference there
then).
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

P.S. If you're ever on Trixon bear in mind their
penis's are shaped like small hands and are
situated on top of their heads. DO NOT, i repeat
DO NOT attemt to shake hands. Unless you want
to spend from now till Bolton Wanderers win
something in suspended animation