Dear Mr O'Reilly,

Who are the silent majority?
And how do they communicate?
If these people are making signs
about me behind my back or
doing some kind of risque mime
implying things about me, then I
for one would like to know about
it.
Let's sort these smug bastards
out for once and for all

LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

Dear Mrs Fenton,

What's up with these Asians of late?
Everytime you see them nowadays
they are in a right paddy (no offence
Mr O'Reilly).
At one time they were all happy watching
Kabadi on Eurosport but nowadays nothing
but bombings and a man with a hook for
a hand (very useful if you drop your keys
down a grid).
Me and Denise turned the telly on last
Wednesday and it was that Ken Bigley
thing again.
The first time I seen Ken in that blindfold
surrounded by Asians I shouted to Denise
'Aye up Denny, them Asians have come up
with a follow up to Kabadi.....I think it's some
kind of Asian blindman's bluff'.
Anyway could you send round a surveyor for
the drains. There's a terrible smell in the
house. It's driving me, denise, the eleven
whippets, five pups an seven kids potty

LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON