Dear Mrs Fenton,

I was in Beswick library availing myself of the new
housing plans regarding the refurbishment's due
to take place on our properties.
It would be simpler to forward these plans direct
to my house as only me and a cashiered surveyor
called McMullen ever read them (he's just done
three years for raping a Site Agent with a
theodalite)
And I noticed contained within these plans the
idea of replacing of all rear windows with French
windows.
NO Mrs Fenton!
My Grandfather spent four years in a French
prisoner of war camp (though Nana said it was
a brothel in Burlogyne). And as a practical
joke he sent a picture home of himself with his
left leg taped up his back and wrote that he'd
lost the leg parachuting out of a plane that had
bought one over Calais.
Nana believed every word of it, but the joke
was on Grandad, when he got home she'd
cut all the left legs off all his trousers.
But French windows?
Never I wont even let Denise wear French
knickers.
They are a nation of perverts. Take Maurice
Chevalier 'Thank Heaven For Little Girls', is
he on a register? he bloody well ought to be.
And Frogs and snails! They eat anything
that moves, crawls, laughs or sings. One of
their resteraunts must be like gardening
hour at a backward school
Think on.

LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

Dear All,

I am now fully trained in the ancient martial
art of Tzu Kuwi. I can kill a man in four
seconds using only my bare hands. I have
sworn only to use my gift in certain
circumstances (these are three in number),
one in the defence of mankind, two the relief
of oppression and three if anybody turns
their back on me.
My teacher is the legendary Piang Kiang
Chiang (apparently his mother called him
after a load of knives falling off a table).
I travel everywhere by Yak always making
sure that i follow the old Tibetan tradition of
Vrishnu Kamran and eat before the Yak.

LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

P.S. Vrishnu Kamran means 'Sod you
Yak i'm alright'