I'm not going to beat about the bush (actually i prefer
smoking it). I've got to put my true feelings on the
table. It's not been an easy week, last Sunday I
dropped me ganja tin in the buscuit barrell (face down)
and i've spent the last three days smoking ginger snaps.
I nearly O'D'd on a jammy dodger.
Picture with me, if you will, my prostrate body lying by
the cat flap. My head in the dogs bowl trying vainly to
either drink it or drown in it.
I went down for the third time and my whole life
flashed before my eyes and i decided you were the for
me. I know i've done more ballooning
than Richard Branson but that's all behind me now.
Give me one last chance!!!
I remember the first time we gazed across a housing
desk at each other, there was a complete fusion of
souls, linking of hearts and meeting of minds.
The sort of moment that great poets write poems about,
great artists paint about and great muscians play the
ukelele about. I never did write back and thank you for
cleaning my gutters. But since then i've known it could
only ever be you for me. On the windscreen of the car
that is my heart, on each side of the fluffy dice it reads
'BERNARD and MRS FENTON'.
Make a man of me. I will run through your hair barefoot
(Tuesday is best that is bath night).
I know I am married to Denise but it is a sham and a
lie. We've had words (when i could get one in edgeways)
I wear the trousers in our marriage (well apart from a
bit of cross dressing) and Denny has agreed to a Druids
divorce, which is slightly different from a Church of
England divorce (I have to amputate my left gonad with
a blunt butchers knife, take it to Stonehenge, and grill it
in virgins blood on soltice eve, before eating it.....a bit like
a bush tucker trial).
But it's all worthwhile for you.
It will be tough at first, just you and me (and the eleven
whippets, seven kids, five pups and a runt) but as soon
as i've finished my MANCAT course in Aggresive Begging
then the Earth is ours.
Brenda let me take you into my garden and show YOU to
my roses (as Brinsley Sheridan once so beautifully said).
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
P.S. My heart is forever the prisoner of Brenda