Dear Mr O'Reilly,

What a morning!!!!!!!
I've been trying to put together an MFI
wardrobe since the crack of dawn (half
ten) and on top of that Denise is on
the warpath, one of the kids has threw
a milk bottle off a verandah and hit a
cat (the rspca are pokin their snotters
in as i write), the runt of the litter has
died an Everton has microwaved it,
Radio Rentals have taken back the telly
and me giro's not come.
And you Paddies think that you've got
troubles
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

Dear Mrs Fenton,

I feel I must write to admonish you in the
severest terms. Yesterday I got out of bed
to watch the 3.10 from kempton ended
putting the film channel on and finished up
watching the 3.10 from yuma.
As I rolled a weed during the break I
noticed a letter from your good selves.
'Aye up the new bog must be in stock'
I thought.
But no, it was a County Court summons
for non payment of rent arrears.
Now let me explain mine and Denise's
fiscal policy. Once a month i get all my
debts together and put all the names of
those I owe in a hat and pick one out.
The one that gets picked out gets paid.
And if you don't stop sending mithering
letters then this month your name wont
even go into the hat.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

P.S. Are you married?

Dear Mr O'Reilly,

Rome wasn't built in a day but it was
burnt in one. I don't want to rush you
but Denise's patience is wearing a bit
thin on the cake front.
It's that time of month and the fleet's
flying the red flag. Reminds me of the
post natal depression I suffered (she
might have had it but it was me as
did the suffering. She pushed me
down the stairs and microwaved me
Spandeau Ballet vinyl's. The incident
with the paper girl didn't help but
that's all gin through the optic now.
And of late i've been makin more
bloody sacrifices than a practising
satanist.
So man to man Mr Reilly can't you
just say treacle sponge and be done
with it?
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

Dear Mrs Fenton,

just a few lines to let you know that
Mitzi the whippet bitch has whelped.
Seven bouncing,healthy, robust little
pups and a runt that we've called O'Reilly
after the man himself, she's got
Mr O'Reilly's eyes).
You may remember Mitzi from the
enertainment chanell's 'Britains Daftest
Dogs', Mitzi was the one with a pickle
jar stuck on her head.
The births were a traumatic affair
Mitzi tried to eat four of them and
then refused to suckle the runt.
Luckily Denise was on hand to be a
surrogate Mother. I don't mind sayin
it made me all broody watching
Denise clutch a new born to her
well used ample bosum.
It's all on video camera, but
anyway could you place the following
card in the Housing Office window

'DOGS FOR SALE
PART WHIPPET
£30 EACH
OR TWO FOR
FIFTY QUID
APPLY
MR O'REILLY

The pick of the litter's yours
Mrs Fenton and that runts got
Mr O'Reilly's name on it
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

Dear All,

Sorry i've not been in touch so much of late.
But a week last thursday as i left the Big
Bradord i was sucked into a time warp and
kidnapped by aliens. They took me in a nano
second to the planet Kraygon, where they
were intent in using me for breeding purposes.
I said 'never mind that sperm machine, it looks
like something Andy Sugden would use to milk
cows. No just line up them Venusian babes'
Anyway what i write to tell you is, beware the
one known as Mrs Carr. She is a Tharg from
the planet Trixon. She has taken human form
but on her planet she is shaped like an old
clothes mangle (not a lot of difference there
then).
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

P.S. If you're ever on Trixon bear in mind their
penis's are shaped like small hands and are
situated on top of their heads. DO NOT, i repeat
DO NOT attemt to shake hands. Unless you want
to spend from now till Bolton Wanderers win
something in suspended animation

Dear Mr O'Reilly,

Perhaps a nice jam sponge?
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

Dear All,

A new initiative hit me whilst watchin
the Jeremy Kyle show (there's always
someone worse off than yourself).
And I have decided to do a nationwide
tour with me mobile disco caravanette
I bill myself as:

Brother Bernard
Parson of Pop
Bishop of Bop
Father of Funk
Padre of Punk

It looks ace on the side of me caravan.
What did George Bernard Shaw say 'music
is the brandy of the damned'
Well I have heard the sultry machinations
of Satan in the music of the Bay City
Rollers and that Lulu she is in league
with Beelzebub if you ask me.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

P.S. Anyone know what rhymes with
Rabi of Reggae?

Dear Mr O'Reilly,

Denise has asked me to write in and let
you know that her Mother used to play
the spoons at parties. We all know that
you Paddies like a jig or two with your
Guiness.
'Bernard' she said 'they get a bad press
do them Irish but when all is said and
done it was Mr O'Reilly who got us that
new alliminum kitchen sink and it's him
as will get us a new toilet seat'
'Aye' i said 'we must forgive them that
evil organisation that blighted the good
name of Ireland for so long'
'Who's was that?' she enquired
'The Nolan Sisters' I replied

LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

Dear Mr O'Reilly,

My Denise told me to write in an tell you that she
is 'as happy as Gary Glitter stuck in a lift with
the St Winifred's school choir'. Yes oh yes oh yes
the new aliminium sink has arrived and is fitted
(between me and you the old one is in Moore's
Metals).
The new one is the buisness, just the right height
for a bit of late night pot washing, if you get my
drift. You're a man of the world Mr O'Reilly when
nature calls and that we've all got to answer.
Mind back in the old country it's a shovel and a
hole. Not knocking the old ways but when i've got a
jumbo in the departure lounge i need more
than this window box to have a dump in. No
there's a lot to be said for western civilisation and
an infra structure that does away with a bucket
under the bed.
Anyway me and Denise are just waiting for the
glue to dry on the flashback tiling and then we
are going to christan the sink
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

P.S. Is Mrs Fenton an Aries?

Dear All,

Festive greetings.
We're doing a traditional nativity play at the
Beswick Branch of the Church of the Burning Bush
this year. It wasn't easy to cast as three wise men
and a virgin are a bit thin on the ground round
here (definition of a virgin in Beswick is any 12
year old that can out run her Dad).
We got round the problem by changing the
characterisation of the three wise men to the
three smart arses and Audrey Davenport has
agreed to play the virgin from memory
(apparently she has a very good one).
We've had a bit of bad luck at the Silent
Brothers of Clayton Bridge monestry- it burnt
down. Brother Retford Bwandigwi didn't dimp
a herbal properly and it went up like a cardboard
poker. It took the fire brigade three hours to
arrive mainly due to the fact that the silent
brothers sent for them via semiphore. I got the
signals wrong and ordered a pizza.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

P.S......In a mood of Christian fellowship I plan
to visit Prestwich pysciatric hospital and paint
'God rest ye Bury mentlemen' on the wall
outside

Dear All,

What's in a name?
The police from Grey Mare lane station have
just been round and confiscated my computer
All a misunderstanding really, i was attempting
to improve my knowledge on child prodigy's
with particular interest in virtuoso violinists.
So i googled 'kiddy fiddlers'. God what a can
of worms that opened.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

Dear Mr Coyle,

there's a cake night at Mrs Carr's
thursday the nineteenth. Dress
optional
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

Dear All,

I must complain in the strongest terms
about an incident that occured in your
office on tuesday.
I overheard your Mr Geoff Townley say
on the phone 'Hi this is Geoff Love'
Now i'm not against a chap using deception
to obtain a precunary advantage. I once
assumed the role of a bogus doctor in a
girl's school myself, but pretending to be
an enmaciated dead ex band leader, well
that's just sick.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

Dear All,

I've just been ejected from a 53 to Brooks Bar!!!!
And my crime? I lit a dimp no bigger than a dwarf's
penis.
'Oye' said the driver 'Off'
'the same to you' I said 'Only with fuck before it'.

LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

Dear Mr O'Reilly,

I feel honour bound to write in and give
you the benefit of the only advice my father
gave to me before he left with me Aunty
Betty.
'Son' he said 'don't stick sharp things
down your ear. The ear is a very sensitive
organ and the key to both hearing and
balance and as a consequence is full
of delicate fragile bones. So unless you
want to walk like a Collyhurst drunk
don't waggle that pen in that lughole'
It would have made more sense had
he not already have perferated my
left ear drum with a wayward tin of out
of date spam.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

Dear Mr O'Reilly,

Any update on the cake issue?
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

Dear Mrs Fenton,

please find enclosed my entry form for
the 'Beswick Betjemen Poetry Competition'
sponsered by the 'Grab-A-Bite Cafe'.
It is of a simple metre.
Fingers crossed here it is

Housing receptionist with your face in a tannoy
voice grating like knives. Do you try to annoy?
with your low cut top showing next weeks washing
red lip sticked mouth that ud give a good noshing
an your skirt up your arse accentuating your bum
an nipples as large as a blind cobblers thumb
makin me queue behind pregnant women an babies
an pulling a fucking face like i got scabies
your living depends on the rent from my flat
so start fucking smiling you stuck up tarty twat

please excuse my French Mrs Fenton but
the mood of the moment overtook me.

LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

P.S. Please tell Fat Janice on reception
that it's nothing personal

Dear All,

I write to tell you about a commune
i have started on the Island on Heaton
Park boating lake. We are 20 in number
(counting me 11 whippets and 7 kids....
...or is it 11 kids and 7 whippets?).
Our aim is to foster a society without
work or money (the money bit aint
easy cos the man in the boathouse
charges me 60p every time i enter
or leave the island.
Our name is the Beswick Brothers
for the Foundation of Fellowship
within the Cosmic Christ, and we
survive on pike soup, bat pate and
wild truffles (nobody knows the
truffles i've seen).

LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

P.S....Do you think the Sociol
will give me a crisis loan for a
paddle boat?

Dear Mr O'Reilly,

Any news on the cake front?
Denise says you probably don't have
them in the old country.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

Dear All,

Sorry i haven't written earlir but i have
been the victim of an injustice that
rivals the Guilford four, Jackson five
and Birmingham six. I am the Beswick
one. Wrongly jailed for possession of
an illegal substance (i thought it was
icing sugar when i bought it).
Incarcerated in a Dickensian prison
(which reminds me if you're in over
christmas don't offer to play the female
lead in panto). Forced to endure a
degradin dtrip search (Doctor? more
like a soil anaylist the length of time
he spent on me dirt box).
Made to share a cell the size of a
billiard table with two hard bitten phyco's
from the wrong side of the tracks. My
dazzling good looks a curse to my every
waking moment, till Big Jake took me
under his wing (if you give Jake a
thousand pound he'll kill a man an if you
give him two grand then you get to
choose who).
Every thursday the horrible futile terror
of another visit from lord longford.
The silent empty days countin the hours
Staring at the barbaric bars. The clang
of the wrought iron doors echoing down
the lonely forgotten corridoors. The bare
aching brick and rotten mortar. The
haunted screams in the night as men
grapple with their conscience and try to
come to terms with their soul. The
despairing rays of another meaningless
morning. The shrill hollow laugh of
the jailer as he un-locks the door and
shouts 'slop out', neatly placing a razor
blade on the table. A razor blade that
could take your worthless life and give
you the equalising pleasure of a certain
death. Death a state that would stop you
thinking about the hurt. The hurt your
loved ones feel. The hurt that rips at
your innards till you're not a man
anymore. Till you're nothing. Till you're
wasted, weary and worn. Till you're
battered, beaten and bewildrered. Till
you want to hold those cold bars and
push your head against the
uncomprimising bleakness and yell
'I am a man. I am a man. You can't
take away my individuality. You can't
crush my persona on the hard wheel
of your system. I will still hold my head
up high because I AM A MAN'
I'll tell you the worst seven days of my
life
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON