Dear All,

What's in a name?
The police from Grey Mare lane station have
just been round and confiscated my computer
All a misunderstanding really, i was attempting
to improve my knowledge on child prodigy's
with particular interest in virtuoso violinists.
So i googled 'kiddy fiddlers'. God what a can
of worms that opened.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

Dear Mr Coyle,

there's a cake night at Mrs Carr's
thursday the nineteenth. Dress
optional
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

Dear All,

I must complain in the strongest terms
about an incident that occured in your
office on tuesday.
I overheard your Mr Geoff Townley say
on the phone 'Hi this is Geoff Love'
Now i'm not against a chap using deception
to obtain a precunary advantage. I once
assumed the role of a bogus doctor in a
girl's school myself, but pretending to be
an enmaciated dead ex band leader, well
that's just sick.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

Dear All,

I've just been ejected from a 53 to Brooks Bar!!!!
And my crime? I lit a dimp no bigger than a dwarf's
penis.
'Oye' said the driver 'Off'
'the same to you' I said 'Only with fuck before it'.

LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

Dear Mr O'Reilly,

I feel honour bound to write in and give
you the benefit of the only advice my father
gave to me before he left with me Aunty
Betty.
'Son' he said 'don't stick sharp things
down your ear. The ear is a very sensitive
organ and the key to both hearing and
balance and as a consequence is full
of delicate fragile bones. So unless you
want to walk like a Collyhurst drunk
don't waggle that pen in that lughole'
It would have made more sense had
he not already have perferated my
left ear drum with a wayward tin of out
of date spam.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

Dear Mr O'Reilly,

Any update on the cake issue?
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

Dear Mrs Fenton,

please find enclosed my entry form for
the 'Beswick Betjemen Poetry Competition'
sponsered by the 'Grab-A-Bite Cafe'.
It is of a simple metre.
Fingers crossed here it is

Housing receptionist with your face in a tannoy
voice grating like knives. Do you try to annoy?
with your low cut top showing next weeks washing
red lip sticked mouth that ud give a good noshing
an your skirt up your arse accentuating your bum
an nipples as large as a blind cobblers thumb
makin me queue behind pregnant women an babies
an pulling a fucking face like i got scabies
your living depends on the rent from my flat
so start fucking smiling you stuck up tarty twat

please excuse my French Mrs Fenton but
the mood of the moment overtook me.

LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

P.S. Please tell Fat Janice on reception
that it's nothing personal

Dear All,

I write to tell you about a commune
i have started on the Island on Heaton
Park boating lake. We are 20 in number
(counting me 11 whippets and 7 kids....
...or is it 11 kids and 7 whippets?).
Our aim is to foster a society without
work or money (the money bit aint
easy cos the man in the boathouse
charges me 60p every time i enter
or leave the island.
Our name is the Beswick Brothers
for the Foundation of Fellowship
within the Cosmic Christ, and we
survive on pike soup, bat pate and
wild truffles (nobody knows the
truffles i've seen).

LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

P.S....Do you think the Sociol
will give me a crisis loan for a
paddle boat?

Dear Mr O'Reilly,

Any news on the cake front?
Denise says you probably don't have
them in the old country.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

Dear All,

Sorry i haven't written earlir but i have
been the victim of an injustice that
rivals the Guilford four, Jackson five
and Birmingham six. I am the Beswick
one. Wrongly jailed for possession of
an illegal substance (i thought it was
icing sugar when i bought it).
Incarcerated in a Dickensian prison
(which reminds me if you're in over
christmas don't offer to play the female
lead in panto). Forced to endure a
degradin dtrip search (Doctor? more
like a soil anaylist the length of time
he spent on me dirt box).
Made to share a cell the size of a
billiard table with two hard bitten phyco's
from the wrong side of the tracks. My
dazzling good looks a curse to my every
waking moment, till Big Jake took me
under his wing (if you give Jake a
thousand pound he'll kill a man an if you
give him two grand then you get to
choose who).
Every thursday the horrible futile terror
of another visit from lord longford.
The silent empty days countin the hours
Staring at the barbaric bars. The clang
of the wrought iron doors echoing down
the lonely forgotten corridoors. The bare
aching brick and rotten mortar. The
haunted screams in the night as men
grapple with their conscience and try to
come to terms with their soul. The
despairing rays of another meaningless
morning. The shrill hollow laugh of
the jailer as he un-locks the door and
shouts 'slop out', neatly placing a razor
blade on the table. A razor blade that
could take your worthless life and give
you the equalising pleasure of a certain
death. Death a state that would stop you
thinking about the hurt. The hurt your
loved ones feel. The hurt that rips at
your innards till you're not a man
anymore. Till you're nothing. Till you're
wasted, weary and worn. Till you're
battered, beaten and bewildrered. Till
you want to hold those cold bars and
push your head against the
uncomprimising bleakness and yell
'I am a man. I am a man. You can't
take away my individuality. You can't
crush my persona on the hard wheel
of your system. I will still hold my head
up high because I AM A MAN'
I'll tell you the worst seven days of my
life
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

Dear all,

Tis with great shame i write. I have just returned from Benidorm where one night drunk on the bigio berrio's i had a tattoo done. It was supposed to be just a simple tatto sayin 'I LOVE DENISE' in three inch letters across my chest enblazone on a background of a ram runnin rampant.
However second day of sunbathin an i noticed the ink had ran on the D an the second E hadn't taken. God was I embarresed! there i was lyin in me speedo's on the beach with 'I LOVE PENIS' tattooed on me chest.
That lifeguard was over friendly

LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

Dear Mrs Fenton,

I must appologise most profusely for my
non court attendence of the fiftheeth inst.
Unfortunatly the summons arrived somali
side up and i couldn't make head nor tail
of it. It was only a chance meeting in
in the back entry with Mrs Abbadugabi
that put me wide. I was putting out me
bin and she was slaughtering a neutered
goat.
'Bernard you soft eighpeth' she said
'you shuda bin there on the 15th'
So if you could re-arrange the court
date, not tuesday's that's darts.

LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

Dear Mrs Fenton,

I really must complain about the upstairs
radiator in my bedroom not only is it impossible
to turn off but it makes a sound like a pig being
buggered (i worked at the abotoir, so i know
what i'm talking about).
Also the heat has been causing me severe
dehydration, this morning i woke up with
my throat as dry as mother theresa's love
tunnel.
The heat is so bad that i lie nude on top of my
bed, if you don't believe me call round, the key
is under the car battery on my step.

LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

Dear All,

I have had a blinding revelation. The Holy Ghost
appeared to me in the vault of the big Bradford.
The apocalypse is at hand Beswick and Clayton
are to be twinned with Soddam and Gomorrah.
The rivers will rise up and the mountains touch
the ground.
Only people with the initials BW will survive. I
shall be King over the Bed Wetters, Bolton
Wanderers conquer Europe and Bill Wyman
gets to shag as many Battered Wives as he can
shake a stick at.

LOVE AND PEAACE
BERNARD WILSON

Dear Mr O'Reilly,

Do you like cake?
I know I do
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

Dear Mr O'Reilly,

Must tell you of an exciting new tenants
initiative Tenants In Debt Against Racism
We meet once a month at Mrs Carr's
house. Frank Davis does the vollivants; big
leroy does a poetry reading and Audrey
Davenport does her celebrated dance of
the seven army surplus war tarpoliums
Maureen O'Bungingwi is our president.
Our aim is to foster world peace and
international harmony while bumping
off licences
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
DEBTOR'S AGAINST THE DEVIL
BUMPERS AGAINST BEELZEEBUB

Dear Mr O'Reilly,

I am back in the area and i am writing to ask
can i make some general improvements to
my home?
My number one priority is to chop up me
kitchen units an make me whippets an all
weather kennel. I would also like to take off
all the internal doors and make a pigeon loft.
I could also do with four gallon of light blue
paint to paint the back yard. This may not
look like an improvement to the naked eye
but i can assure you when viewed from a
plane it gives the impression of an outside
swimming pool.
I also note from my nocturnal wanderings
tht No25 haven't converted their loft, so
i thought pre-empt them and knock through
(he who dares wins as it says in the highway
code). I would create ample room for an
indoors bowls pitch.
Seven rolls of roof felt would serve as the
green

LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON
(JOGGIN FOR JESUS
SURFIN AGAINST SIN)

Dear Mr O'Reilly,

Me and my Denise were watchin a
programme on channel four about
the male sperm. In it it said that to be
born your dad's sperm had to win a race
against fifty million other sperms to fertilise
the egg. If this is so how come fat people
have babies? Surely their sperms
couldn't win no race.
Denise said write in and ask you, she said
'they bog trotters know lots of things'
So if you could word me to the wise
i'd appreciate it. I wouldn't want to be
making a fool of meself if it came up on
darts night in the big Bradford
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON