Dear Mr O'Reilly,

A nod is as good as a wink to a blind
horse. So between me, you and the gate
post (which incidently could do with a
lick of paint), I have a contact at the
T.V. licensing centre.
The month before the detector vans hit
Beswick he sends me a letter warning us.
So all the next month me and Denise keep
the door locked incase they knock.
Anyway let me know your address and i'll
see about getting you the same
arrangement

LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

P.S. Why are all dog licenses the same
price?...surely if you keep a back n white
dog that license should be cheaper?

Dear Mr O'Reilly,

I put pen to paper to avail you of Denise's
latest venture, Clonic Irrigation. Yes!!!
Clonic Irrigation. She used to work for
Dynarod so it's in her blood.
I gave her my plastic pipe from the old home
brew days and it brought tears to her eyes.
Her lips quivered and her knees trembled and
then she told me of the time as a Girl-Guide
on bob-a-job week.
She was washing cars with a hosepipe and shammy
and the driver of a punto took advantage of her
behind the bin shed over the pots of bergonia's.
She says it was the first time she attained orgasm
(which could account for the purchase of the new
waterbed).
Still that's all water under the bridge now!!!
So Mr O'Reilly if you need raking out then pipe
up for Clonic Irrigation

LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

Dear all,

just a note to say i'm back from
a conference of world religeous
leaders in Accrington. They were
all there Billy Graham, the Dali
Llama (God he can shift a bit of ale)
Rabi Goldberg, The Pope (never
knew he was a catholic, he don't
even look Irish) and Ian Paisley.
On the final night we had a fancy
dress ball and I went as the singing
nun and came second. Rabi Goldberg
stole it with his Adolf Hitler routine 'ein
volk, ein reich ein give me the
moonlight'. Ian Paisley was third with
his Joseph Locke impersonation
'I'll build a bonfire of your troubles
and watch them blaze away', it even
had the Methodists clapping along

LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

Dear All,

I feel after disscussion with my
therapist that I must tell you of my
tortured upbringing. At the hospital
where I was born another baby was
born only minutes before and my
Mother became convinced that me
and the other baby had been
swapped.
It became like an obsession with her.
She haunted the other women with
letters, phone-calls, threats and
malicious rumours about her and
the milkman. She even attempted to
kidnap the other child.
Finally Mrs Patel got an injunction
out against her.
But Mam or 'Mrs Wilson' as she made
me call her never took to me.
Even though i have got ginger hair
she used to say to my brothers
'What you playing with that Asian kid
for?'
But through therapy I have finally
come to terms with my past.
And I am a better person for it.

LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

Dear All,

sorry i haven't written that much of
late but i have been very busy.
I decided that my message is universal
and in the words of the Gospel according
to Saint Matthew I must 'speak in
tongues'. So I sent for some Linguaphone
records.
'Send no money now' said the advert
(the word now was a bit of a waste).
I wonder if the Disciples had the same
problems that i am encountering?
I mean I can order a cup of coffee in
Urdu but nowhere can I find the words
to warn people about the firey furnaces
of hell.
There was I on a podium in Rhyll shopping
mall armed with a copy of Clydd Cymru
thinking I was yelling 'Repent ye the
Kingdom of Heaven is at hand' and all the
time I was shouting 'is this an all night
launderette?'.
No converts but a two bag wash for the
price of one and a car sticker.

LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

P.S. Tell Mr O'Reilly that I will be
ordering my repairs in Cantonese
here on in.

Dear All,

I have just visited Gypsy Rose Kyle on
Blackpool Golden Mile and she read me palm
(she's done all the top stars Norman Vaughn,
Freddie Garrity, Ralph Milne....you name
'em she's done 'em).
And apparently I am to father a love child to
a Housing Team Leader, have a singing
carear culminating in a gay affair with Syd
Little and have a minor operation on my
left knee.
'Good heavens' i said 'Will i still be able to
do Knees Up Mother Brown at Butlins?
Thankfully yes.

LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

P.S. Gypsy Rose said that i would be
offered a job in the third world.
'Oh' i said 'that'll be in the cake shop
on Beswick precinct'.

DEAR HOUSING DEPARTMENT,

WE THE UNPOPULAR FRONT FOR THE LIBERTION OF
MONSALL BUT FUCK HARPURHEY WHAT HAVE THEY
EVER DONE FOR US, HAVE YOUR BERNARD WILSON.
THE PROMISE OF A GOOD WEED AND FOUR CANS
OF STELLA LURED HIM TO OUR SECRET HIDEOUT
ON TOP OF 'TAN AN TONE' ON QUEENS ROAD.
FOR THE SAFE RETURN OF THE ENDEARING
LOVEABLE RUNNING DOG OF THE CAPITALISTIC
PARASYTIC MAGGOTS THAT FEED ON THE ROTTING
UNDER BELLY OF A DECAYING SOCIETY OUR
DEMANDS MUST BE MET.
THEY ARE THREE IN NUMBER.

1) THE ABOLITION OF BRUSELL SPROUTS
2) A CASE OF WHITE LIGHTENING AND A SLEAVE
OF SUPERKINGS
3) THE RECLASSIFICATION OF MY COUSIN ROY
AS A POLITICAL PRISONER (he did rob the
Conservative club after all).

ALL POWER FROM THE
BARRELL OF A GUN

US

Dear Mr O'Reilly,

I seen the Bachelors on tele last night and
I shouted Denise in.
'Denny' i said 'i bet Mr O'Reilly and his little
colleen are jigging round his living room
watching this....i bet he's waving his
shelaighlee about and singing 'Oh Danny
Boy'. I bet your mam's best spoons (that
George Formby ate jelly off) are going
forty to the dozen....too be sure'
We didn't half laugh till Denise told me
about the time her Uncle Bob told her to
play hide n seek and then he raped her
in the coal shed. Still what's been done
has been done.

LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

P.S. If that thieving low life Bert Weedon
hadn't have nailed me hat on with that
iffy guitar i'd have strummed along
meself. I'll tell you Mr O'Reilly his initials
may be BW but come the glorious day he
gets his.

Dear Mrs Fenton,

Firstly I thought you looked very becoming at the
Housing open day last Sunday.
That purple shell suit was you.
But what i write about is whales! Yes that's right
whales. I was watching you running the tombolla
stand and i got to thinking about whales. There's
a school of thought that believes that the most
intelligent life forms on Earth are whales and
dolphins. Well i for one don't subscribe to that
view. Okay whales can converse across oceans
but so can a man if he's got credit on his mobile
phone..
And dolphins can jump through hoops (Denise
has me doing that regular if i want my Friday
night frollic).
Bless she's sitting across from me as i type,
cigarette in her mouth, blowing smoke and
staring aimlessly at the wall (she should get a
job at Jodrell bank, they'd pay her for staring
into space).
But my point is that even Denise is cleverer
than any whale, dolphin or fish. Let's face it
at least Denise can use a tin opener.
No Mrs Fenton anyone that thinks Friday's
tea has more brains than the species that
invented everything from cats eyes to the
electric toaster is bloody potty

LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

P.S. Possibly a little less foundation and
show a little more cleaveage

Dear Mrs Fenton,

I was in Beswick library availing myself of the new
housing plans regarding the refurbishment's due
to take place on our properties.
It would be simpler to forward these plans direct
to my house as only me and a cashiered surveyor
called McMullen ever read them (he's just done
three years for raping a Site Agent with a
theodalite)
And I noticed contained within these plans the
idea of replacing of all rear windows with French
windows.
NO Mrs Fenton!
My Grandfather spent four years in a French
prisoner of war camp (though Nana said it was
a brothel in Burlogyne). And as a practical
joke he sent a picture home of himself with his
left leg taped up his back and wrote that he'd
lost the leg parachuting out of a plane that had
bought one over Calais.
Nana believed every word of it, but the joke
was on Grandad, when he got home she'd
cut all the left legs off all his trousers.
But French windows?
Never I wont even let Denise wear French
knickers.
They are a nation of perverts. Take Maurice
Chevalier 'Thank Heaven For Little Girls', is
he on a register? he bloody well ought to be.
And Frogs and snails! They eat anything
that moves, crawls, laughs or sings. One of
their resteraunts must be like gardening
hour at a backward school
Think on.

LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

Dear All,

I am now fully trained in the ancient martial
art of Tzu Kuwi. I can kill a man in four
seconds using only my bare hands. I have
sworn only to use my gift in certain
circumstances (these are three in number),
one in the defence of mankind, two the relief
of oppression and three if anybody turns
their back on me.
My teacher is the legendary Piang Kiang
Chiang (apparently his mother called him
after a load of knives falling off a table).
I travel everywhere by Yak always making
sure that i follow the old Tibetan tradition of
Vrishnu Kamran and eat before the Yak.

LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

P.S. Vrishnu Kamran means 'Sod you
Yak i'm alright'

Dear All,

Many apolgies for not writting much of late.
But I am at present recovering from a nasty
head injury.
Let me tell you it's the last time I do my
shoe laces up in a revolving door.
I was wondering would Mr O'Reilly lend me
nine pound?
I'll give him my guitar as collateral?

LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

P.S. If Denise rings up tell Mr O'Relly not
to mention the nine quid. Better safe than
sorry

Dear All,
As you can see by the postmark I am down South.
Yes I am in Hatings-On-Sea and I am here to fight
my legal case against the publishing company
that produces the book 'Play The Guitar in 5 Minutes'
by Bert Weedon.
What utter nonsense I gave it 13 minutes and at the
end I couldn't even do 'The Streets of London' or
'Have You got A Light Boy' by the Singing Postman.
I'll tell you that Bert Weedon must have been on a
weed. I mean I invested £3.99 in good faith. I was
expecting to be busking outside your offices the
same afternoon.
Let me tell you i have the finest minds that the legal
aid has got working for me. Yes the legendary
Barnum of the Bailey is my learned council and my
team of brief's are Pratt, Pratt, Pratt and Clifford
(I am represented by Mr Clifford- he is the biggest
pratt of them all)

LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

P.S. I have two ideas what to do with my guitar,
one cut off the strings and use it as a frying pan or
two sell it Mr O'Reilly for his jigging.

Dr Mr O'Reilly,

A bit of insider information needed to help
me and Denise if you would please.
Lucky Heather? How do you tinkers know
which heather is lucky and which isn't?
And what is the legal position for suing the
Diddicoy that sold you the heather if the
heather proves to be unlucky?
And is there a time limit on when the luck
must happen in relation to the heather
purchased?
I realise this is a legal minefield an that
you paddy's can be very funny about
your culture but a little bit of advice
would be appreciated.

LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

P.S. Last time me and Denise were in
Belfast we took part in a charity race
for the Irk Ramblers Association.
Imagine the reaction we got on the
Shankhill Road with our 'Support the
IRA' T-Shirts

Dear All,

Again I return to the area with my tail between
my legs. I have just been sacked as novelty
harmonica player in Billy Smart's circus. Okay
I had to play my H whilst being chased by
Charlie the Clown with a bucket full of custard,
but I don't mind suffering for my art.
Anyway two week into the tour and I am
understudying Bobo the high wire roller skating
dog (god that dog was a tempremental artiste).
And on the Tuesday Bobo is 100 ft above
Towyn pier when a wheel came off a hind leg
skate.
Picture the poor mutt hanging grimly onto the
high wire by his teeth, a stifled growl in his
tortured throat, his paws moving and clawing
frantically in the cold Towyn night air.
Then 'berfuckingclang' he plummeted to Earth
like a vase dropped off a verandah.
His fall luckily being halted by him landing on
the drunken knife throwers sequined assistant
Sheila Grimes and puncturing her left lung.
This catapulted me to the top of the bill (oh the
jealousy- the memory man pretended he'd
forgotten my name).
So as a result i started attracting the attention
of the women folk. And to be honest i was
missing the company of a woman and a good
hones shag.
And one night after a gig in abersoch (god i was
hot as buttered toast that night--i played 'The
Desert Song' on the harmonica whilst being
swed in half by tap dancing monkees).
Anyway i got drunk with the Lion tamer and
broke into the bearded ladies tent. Apparently
i looked down her cleavage and said 'i might
not be a ring master but i'll master your ring
.....show us your tits love...i like a big top'.
She complained an Billy Smart is an equal
oportunities employer (well apart from the
dwarfes). So he says 'Bernard that is no way
to treat a lady, not even a bearded one....
sorry son you're fired')
Oh well!!!!!
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

Dear All,

Just a short note inbetween trips to the khazi,
don't try that new Greek taverna on Beswick
precint. The Acropolis it is called, got pictures
outside of schishkebabs. Yeah well since me
an Denise dined there i've had the scishkebabs
and i've never bin off the acropolis.
She thought she'd be all fancy an order in Greek
she grabbed the menu and said 'I'll have a
pag-e-ni-ne'
The waiter took the menu and said 'that says
page nine love'
How embarressing.

LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

P.S. The beer was like making love on a canal
bank.....it was fucking close to water

Dear Mr O'Reilly,

Denise says to tell you that whenever you
throw away old shoes that you should
always take out the laces and keep them.

LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

P.S. Is the jury still out on the cake issue?

Dear All,

Ding dong the wedding bells have rung!!!!
Yes I have married Denise.
It was a lovely Druid ceremony performed
at Stonehenge on the feast of the teathered
goat. The ceremony was conducted by the
first transexual priest the Reverand Gladys
Honeychild. It was just a small traditional
do, you know the kind of thing a toast in
lambs blood, the ritual sacrifice of a
hedgehog and the defiling of a young Ox.
Afterwards we formed a circle and chanted
for the Anti-Christ. It rained throughout
and a chapter of the Openshaw 'Death
Trip Dogs' Hells Angels turned up and
gang banged the best man.
So a good time was had by all.
The album is still at the photographers but
i'll send copies when they arrive

LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

P.S.....do you know anything good for
getting goats blood out of a cassock
(it was hired)

Dear Mr O'Reilly,

Denise's Mother passed away on thursday
please find enclosed her special spoons
(family legend has it that none other than
George Formby once ate jam off of one of
them). I hope you enjoy a good jig while
playing them

LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

P.S....Treat them kindly Mr O'reilly, as
Denise packed them she wept. One time
when she was seven she drank (for a
dare) a sip of her step-fathers home
brew and he took the belt to her and
then made her drink three pints of it
before locking her in a boiler cupboard.
It was there that her Mother found her
dehydrated and near to death. Denise
remembers waking up in hospital and
her Mother was there crying and
playin 'Dearest Daughter Mine' on her
spoons. And Denise's Mam never
trusted another man near her daughter
after that. She actually made me sleep
in an outside toilet when i was first
courting Denise. So nothin but memories
and some not so pleasent ones at that,
assotiated with those old faded spoons.
So enjoy
But hey chin up, i'll miss that old girl,
she had guts.

Dear Mr O'Reilly,

I write to wish you happy St Patricks day. Not that
you'll be in work, be jasus an begorrargh. No to be
sure you'll have donned your funny green suit and
your wife will have put on her new green dress and
you'll have headed on down to the oirish bars in town.
No doubt you'll be buying drinks all round and doing
tricks.
Then it's all back to someone's caravan and a bit of
the old Val Doonican. Then you punch your best
mate cos he's giving your wife a leery look. Then
he hits you back and you look into each others eyes
and sure don't you remember growing tatties with
him in the old country. So you sling your arms
around each other. Then you slap your wife cos no
wonder Seamus is giving her a leery look what
with her showing her chest to half of conemarra.
And you make her put a shawl on. Then you sing
a mourneful ballad about a potato famine. Then it's
'Paddy McGinty's Goat' and everyone gets drunk
and you do your Frank Carson joke about a Cork
man breaking into Ladbrokes and losing £250.
Then it's more drink before heading off to mass
and then it's back to the oirish bars while the
women go home and get the tatties and cabbage
ready.
And you finish the night off with a knee trembler
down some back ginnell with Rosie from the
pound shop.

I tell you Mr O'Reailly i wish i was a Paddy likt
you

LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

P.S.....Denise was wondering whatt you did for
crisps during the potato famine? I said you
probably ate cheesy wot-sits