Dear Mr O'Reilly,

I seen the Bachelors on tele last night and
I shouted Denise in.
'Denny' i said 'i bet Mr O'Reilly and his little
colleen are jigging round his living room
watching this....i bet he's waving his
shelaighlee about and singing 'Oh Danny
Boy'. I bet your mam's best spoons (that
George Formby ate jelly off) are going
forty to the dozen....too be sure'
We didn't half laugh till Denise told me
about the time her Uncle Bob told her to
play hide n seek and then he raped her
in the coal shed. Still what's been done
has been done.

LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

P.S. If that thieving low life Bert Weedon
hadn't have nailed me hat on with that
iffy guitar i'd have strummed along
meself. I'll tell you Mr O'Reilly his initials
may be BW but come the glorious day he
gets his.

Dear Mrs Fenton,

Firstly I thought you looked very becoming at the
Housing open day last Sunday.
That purple shell suit was you.
But what i write about is whales! Yes that's right
whales. I was watching you running the tombolla
stand and i got to thinking about whales. There's
a school of thought that believes that the most
intelligent life forms on Earth are whales and
dolphins. Well i for one don't subscribe to that
view. Okay whales can converse across oceans
but so can a man if he's got credit on his mobile
phone..
And dolphins can jump through hoops (Denise
has me doing that regular if i want my Friday
night frollic).
Bless she's sitting across from me as i type,
cigarette in her mouth, blowing smoke and
staring aimlessly at the wall (she should get a
job at Jodrell bank, they'd pay her for staring
into space).
But my point is that even Denise is cleverer
than any whale, dolphin or fish. Let's face it
at least Denise can use a tin opener.
No Mrs Fenton anyone that thinks Friday's
tea has more brains than the species that
invented everything from cats eyes to the
electric toaster is bloody potty

LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

P.S. Possibly a little less foundation and
show a little more cleaveage

Dear Mrs Fenton,

I was in Beswick library availing myself of the new
housing plans regarding the refurbishment's due
to take place on our properties.
It would be simpler to forward these plans direct
to my house as only me and a cashiered surveyor
called McMullen ever read them (he's just done
three years for raping a Site Agent with a
theodalite)
And I noticed contained within these plans the
idea of replacing of all rear windows with French
windows.
NO Mrs Fenton!
My Grandfather spent four years in a French
prisoner of war camp (though Nana said it was
a brothel in Burlogyne). And as a practical
joke he sent a picture home of himself with his
left leg taped up his back and wrote that he'd
lost the leg parachuting out of a plane that had
bought one over Calais.
Nana believed every word of it, but the joke
was on Grandad, when he got home she'd
cut all the left legs off all his trousers.
But French windows?
Never I wont even let Denise wear French
knickers.
They are a nation of perverts. Take Maurice
Chevalier 'Thank Heaven For Little Girls', is
he on a register? he bloody well ought to be.
And Frogs and snails! They eat anything
that moves, crawls, laughs or sings. One of
their resteraunts must be like gardening
hour at a backward school
Think on.

LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

Dear All,

I am now fully trained in the ancient martial
art of Tzu Kuwi. I can kill a man in four
seconds using only my bare hands. I have
sworn only to use my gift in certain
circumstances (these are three in number),
one in the defence of mankind, two the relief
of oppression and three if anybody turns
their back on me.
My teacher is the legendary Piang Kiang
Chiang (apparently his mother called him
after a load of knives falling off a table).
I travel everywhere by Yak always making
sure that i follow the old Tibetan tradition of
Vrishnu Kamran and eat before the Yak.

LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

P.S. Vrishnu Kamran means 'Sod you
Yak i'm alright'

Dear All,

Many apolgies for not writting much of late.
But I am at present recovering from a nasty
head injury.
Let me tell you it's the last time I do my
shoe laces up in a revolving door.
I was wondering would Mr O'Reilly lend me
nine pound?
I'll give him my guitar as collateral?

LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

P.S. If Denise rings up tell Mr O'Relly not
to mention the nine quid. Better safe than
sorry

Dear All,
As you can see by the postmark I am down South.
Yes I am in Hatings-On-Sea and I am here to fight
my legal case against the publishing company
that produces the book 'Play The Guitar in 5 Minutes'
by Bert Weedon.
What utter nonsense I gave it 13 minutes and at the
end I couldn't even do 'The Streets of London' or
'Have You got A Light Boy' by the Singing Postman.
I'll tell you that Bert Weedon must have been on a
weed. I mean I invested £3.99 in good faith. I was
expecting to be busking outside your offices the
same afternoon.
Let me tell you i have the finest minds that the legal
aid has got working for me. Yes the legendary
Barnum of the Bailey is my learned council and my
team of brief's are Pratt, Pratt, Pratt and Clifford
(I am represented by Mr Clifford- he is the biggest
pratt of them all)

LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

P.S. I have two ideas what to do with my guitar,
one cut off the strings and use it as a frying pan or
two sell it Mr O'Reilly for his jigging.

Dr Mr O'Reilly,

A bit of insider information needed to help
me and Denise if you would please.
Lucky Heather? How do you tinkers know
which heather is lucky and which isn't?
And what is the legal position for suing the
Diddicoy that sold you the heather if the
heather proves to be unlucky?
And is there a time limit on when the luck
must happen in relation to the heather
purchased?
I realise this is a legal minefield an that
you paddy's can be very funny about
your culture but a little bit of advice
would be appreciated.

LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

P.S. Last time me and Denise were in
Belfast we took part in a charity race
for the Irk Ramblers Association.
Imagine the reaction we got on the
Shankhill Road with our 'Support the
IRA' T-Shirts

Dear All,

Again I return to the area with my tail between
my legs. I have just been sacked as novelty
harmonica player in Billy Smart's circus. Okay
I had to play my H whilst being chased by
Charlie the Clown with a bucket full of custard,
but I don't mind suffering for my art.
Anyway two week into the tour and I am
understudying Bobo the high wire roller skating
dog (god that dog was a tempremental artiste).
And on the Tuesday Bobo is 100 ft above
Towyn pier when a wheel came off a hind leg
skate.
Picture the poor mutt hanging grimly onto the
high wire by his teeth, a stifled growl in his
tortured throat, his paws moving and clawing
frantically in the cold Towyn night air.
Then 'berfuckingclang' he plummeted to Earth
like a vase dropped off a verandah.
His fall luckily being halted by him landing on
the drunken knife throwers sequined assistant
Sheila Grimes and puncturing her left lung.
This catapulted me to the top of the bill (oh the
jealousy- the memory man pretended he'd
forgotten my name).
So as a result i started attracting the attention
of the women folk. And to be honest i was
missing the company of a woman and a good
hones shag.
And one night after a gig in abersoch (god i was
hot as buttered toast that night--i played 'The
Desert Song' on the harmonica whilst being
swed in half by tap dancing monkees).
Anyway i got drunk with the Lion tamer and
broke into the bearded ladies tent. Apparently
i looked down her cleavage and said 'i might
not be a ring master but i'll master your ring
.....show us your tits love...i like a big top'.
She complained an Billy Smart is an equal
oportunities employer (well apart from the
dwarfes). So he says 'Bernard that is no way
to treat a lady, not even a bearded one....
sorry son you're fired')
Oh well!!!!!
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

Dear All,

Just a short note inbetween trips to the khazi,
don't try that new Greek taverna on Beswick
precint. The Acropolis it is called, got pictures
outside of schishkebabs. Yeah well since me
an Denise dined there i've had the scishkebabs
and i've never bin off the acropolis.
She thought she'd be all fancy an order in Greek
she grabbed the menu and said 'I'll have a
pag-e-ni-ne'
The waiter took the menu and said 'that says
page nine love'
How embarressing.

LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

P.S. The beer was like making love on a canal
bank.....it was fucking close to water

Dear Mr O'Reilly,

Denise says to tell you that whenever you
throw away old shoes that you should
always take out the laces and keep them.

LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

P.S. Is the jury still out on the cake issue?

Dear All,

Ding dong the wedding bells have rung!!!!
Yes I have married Denise.
It was a lovely Druid ceremony performed
at Stonehenge on the feast of the teathered
goat. The ceremony was conducted by the
first transexual priest the Reverand Gladys
Honeychild. It was just a small traditional
do, you know the kind of thing a toast in
lambs blood, the ritual sacrifice of a
hedgehog and the defiling of a young Ox.
Afterwards we formed a circle and chanted
for the Anti-Christ. It rained throughout
and a chapter of the Openshaw 'Death
Trip Dogs' Hells Angels turned up and
gang banged the best man.
So a good time was had by all.
The album is still at the photographers but
i'll send copies when they arrive

LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

P.S.....do you know anything good for
getting goats blood out of a cassock
(it was hired)

Dear Mr O'Reilly,

Denise's Mother passed away on thursday
please find enclosed her special spoons
(family legend has it that none other than
George Formby once ate jam off of one of
them). I hope you enjoy a good jig while
playing them

LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

P.S....Treat them kindly Mr O'reilly, as
Denise packed them she wept. One time
when she was seven she drank (for a
dare) a sip of her step-fathers home
brew and he took the belt to her and
then made her drink three pints of it
before locking her in a boiler cupboard.
It was there that her Mother found her
dehydrated and near to death. Denise
remembers waking up in hospital and
her Mother was there crying and
playin 'Dearest Daughter Mine' on her
spoons. And Denise's Mam never
trusted another man near her daughter
after that. She actually made me sleep
in an outside toilet when i was first
courting Denise. So nothin but memories
and some not so pleasent ones at that,
assotiated with those old faded spoons.
So enjoy
But hey chin up, i'll miss that old girl,
she had guts.

Dear Mr O'Reilly,

I write to wish you happy St Patricks day. Not that
you'll be in work, be jasus an begorrargh. No to be
sure you'll have donned your funny green suit and
your wife will have put on her new green dress and
you'll have headed on down to the oirish bars in town.
No doubt you'll be buying drinks all round and doing
tricks.
Then it's all back to someone's caravan and a bit of
the old Val Doonican. Then you punch your best
mate cos he's giving your wife a leery look. Then
he hits you back and you look into each others eyes
and sure don't you remember growing tatties with
him in the old country. So you sling your arms
around each other. Then you slap your wife cos no
wonder Seamus is giving her a leery look what
with her showing her chest to half of conemarra.
And you make her put a shawl on. Then you sing
a mourneful ballad about a potato famine. Then it's
'Paddy McGinty's Goat' and everyone gets drunk
and you do your Frank Carson joke about a Cork
man breaking into Ladbrokes and losing £250.
Then it's more drink before heading off to mass
and then it's back to the oirish bars while the
women go home and get the tatties and cabbage
ready.
And you finish the night off with a knee trembler
down some back ginnell with Rosie from the
pound shop.

I tell you Mr O'Reailly i wish i was a Paddy likt
you

LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

P.S.....Denise was wondering whatt you did for
crisps during the potato famine? I said you
probably ate cheesy wot-sits

Dear Mrs Fenton,

I am having a lazy day.
You know the sort, the 10 o'clock weed
still aint been rolled and it's a quarter to
twelve.
Picture me, if you will, lay on the Chesterfield
we got on the drip off Greek Eammon on
Grey Mare Lane Market (next to Bob the
curtain man). Clad only in my socks and
wearing my Kaftkhan, eating a bucket of
chips left over from last nights happy meal
(happy?....one's never made me happy).
when a thought comes to me.
You know how you have 'paternity leave'.
Well what about 'fraternity leave'?
A fortnight a year when an housing officer
stays at a tenants gaff on their patch
(Mrs Naylor stays in a house on Mayton
Close, Miss Wharton on Edirh Cavell close
and Mr Thomas on Hopedale)
Mr O'Reilly could get his head down on
my couch, the dogs wont mind.
The tenant chosen could live two weeks
rent free.
Hey let me know.

LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

P.S. For all of eternity you are my fraternity
(i don't mind turnin the duvet back for a
woman of your stature Mrs Fenton)

Dear All,

please excuse the wobbly handwriting as I am
writing with my left hand. I severed an artery
in my right affecting an entry into my abode.
Me and Denise had been to a 'play your cards
right' at the Burnig Bush Church, and we'd
stopped a few going rotten.
Well to cut a long story short I couldn't find me
key. 'No problem' I thought and booted in the
lower door casing (which reminds me, put me
down for a door splice), but to no avail. So I
decided to straight aim the arm lock but alas
my aim was awry and i accidentaly panned
the window in, causing the aforementioned
lacerations.
An i staggered back blood spurting from my
wrist like water out of a whale's blowhole.
I watched it cascade down onto the torso
of a snowman that me son Everton had
started building but lost interest in (if that
aint an alegory for relaxed parenting then
I don't know what is)
And as the blood dripped aimlessley down
the mound of crushed and bonded snow I
was reminded of a giant ice-cream, the
blood being raspberry sauce an a dog
turd for a flake. And I thought 'this is art
proper art, real art, This aint no un-made
bed....they are a way of life in our house
...no this is real life' .
Anyway could you please send a glazier
round.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

Dear Mr O'Reilly,

What a morning!!!!!!!
I've been trying to put together an MFI
wardrobe since the crack of dawn (half
ten) and on top of that Denise is on
the warpath, one of the kids has threw
a milk bottle off a verandah and hit a
cat (the rspca are pokin their snotters
in as i write), the runt of the litter has
died an Everton has microwaved it,
Radio Rentals have taken back the telly
and me giro's not come.
And you Paddies think that you've got
troubles
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

Dear Mrs Fenton,

I feel I must write to admonish you in the
severest terms. Yesterday I got out of bed
to watch the 3.10 from kempton ended
putting the film channel on and finished up
watching the 3.10 from yuma.
As I rolled a weed during the break I
noticed a letter from your good selves.
'Aye up the new bog must be in stock'
I thought.
But no, it was a County Court summons
for non payment of rent arrears.
Now let me explain mine and Denise's
fiscal policy. Once a month i get all my
debts together and put all the names of
those I owe in a hat and pick one out.
The one that gets picked out gets paid.
And if you don't stop sending mithering
letters then this month your name wont
even go into the hat.
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

P.S. Are you married?

Dear Mr O'Reilly,

Rome wasn't built in a day but it was
burnt in one. I don't want to rush you
but Denise's patience is wearing a bit
thin on the cake front.
It's that time of month and the fleet's
flying the red flag. Reminds me of the
post natal depression I suffered (she
might have had it but it was me as
did the suffering. She pushed me
down the stairs and microwaved me
Spandeau Ballet vinyl's. The incident
with the paper girl didn't help but
that's all gin through the optic now.
And of late i've been makin more
bloody sacrifices than a practising
satanist.
So man to man Mr Reilly can't you
just say treacle sponge and be done
with it?
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

Dear Mrs Fenton,

just a few lines to let you know that
Mitzi the whippet bitch has whelped.
Seven bouncing,healthy, robust little
pups and a runt that we've called O'Reilly
after the man himself, she's got
Mr O'Reilly's eyes).
You may remember Mitzi from the
enertainment chanell's 'Britains Daftest
Dogs', Mitzi was the one with a pickle
jar stuck on her head.
The births were a traumatic affair
Mitzi tried to eat four of them and
then refused to suckle the runt.
Luckily Denise was on hand to be a
surrogate Mother. I don't mind sayin
it made me all broody watching
Denise clutch a new born to her
well used ample bosum.
It's all on video camera, but
anyway could you place the following
card in the Housing Office window

'DOGS FOR SALE
PART WHIPPET
£30 EACH
OR TWO FOR
FIFTY QUID
APPLY
MR O'REILLY

The pick of the litter's yours
Mrs Fenton and that runts got
Mr O'Reilly's name on it
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

Dear All,

Sorry i've not been in touch so much of late.
But a week last thursday as i left the Big
Bradord i was sucked into a time warp and
kidnapped by aliens. They took me in a nano
second to the planet Kraygon, where they
were intent in using me for breeding purposes.
I said 'never mind that sperm machine, it looks
like something Andy Sugden would use to milk
cows. No just line up them Venusian babes'
Anyway what i write to tell you is, beware the
one known as Mrs Carr. She is a Tharg from
the planet Trixon. She has taken human form
but on her planet she is shaped like an old
clothes mangle (not a lot of difference there
then).
LOVE AND PEACE
BERNARD WILSON

P.S. If you're ever on Trixon bear in mind their
penis's are shaped like small hands and are
situated on top of their heads. DO NOT, i repeat
DO NOT attemt to shake hands. Unless you want
to spend from now till Bolton Wanderers win
something in suspended animation